TODAY...off to a great start

Today is my granddaughter's 6th birthday which made for a really great morning.  I mailed her birthday gifts earlier in the week and we'd scheduled a Skype date so that I could watch her open them.  It was so fun to watch even though my arms LONGED to hug her.  Seeing her smiling face and hearing that giggle in her voice was a great way to start my day.

I've mentioned that I had my cable tv disconnected in an attempt to do less distracting and more LIVING my life.  I really didn't understand just how much time I spent pouring sound into my brain to drown out whatever it is I was drowning out.  Anxiety is fear....and I deal with anxiety on a daily basis.  I can't tell you why, but it's what I'm finding as I move forward with trying to live my life in a healthy way.  I'll be writing a blog about "What does healthy mean to me?" as a homework assignment from my therapist...so more on that later. With regard to Anxiety, I have been more aware of it since the TV being disconnected which feels SO silly that I would allow television (or the lack thereof) to completely stress me out.  And then I realize, it's not the television at all..it's the quiet that my brain will be faced with. 

BUT Rather than freaking out about how I would fill my day today, I found myself eager to get outside and be productive!  Last weekend I felt a sense of mastery when I set out to do that jumpstart on yard work just before Spring gets here and the grass is knee high before you know it.  That's how it happens every year and I get frustrated with myself for NOT doing the things I had intended to do..and the things I ENJOY doing.  SO, this year IS different.  It doesn't have to be the same thing different year for me.  I did do the first mow of the season.  I did trim the first section of branches to prevent head injuries while using the riding mower.  I did use the walk behind mower to go between the back row of trees.  AND IT FELT GREAT. 

And today, the productivity continues.  I'm taking a short break but so far I've done a preliminary clean up of the front porch to get it ready for it's Spring makeover that I do every year.  I've cleaned out my fabulous greenhouse in preparation for USING my greenhouse this year...for something more than just a potting shed and gardening tool storage.  My plan for Spring is to grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and green beans.  It's a new year of new decisions and new action!

I've also tackled a very small portion of the garage and collected much of the cardboard that has piled up over the year.  Perhaps tomorrow I'll run to the transfer station and dump all the recycle stuff that doesn't fit in the recycle bin!

The day isn't over, still more time to be active and productive.  Feels good and I'm enjoying my day of living.

Frustration
Anger
Irritation
Fear
Anxiety
Disappointment
Shame
Embarrassment

WOW....that's a lot of emotion that I judge as bad.  Negative.

I've officially been in my current position for 19 years.  Nineteen years of serving a community that is important to me...yet the bureaucracy brings me to a place in my heart that makes me want to abandon ship.  I hate admitting that.  I hate that my frustration with red tape and distrust of a handful of people actually has me considering leaving a job I used to love.  "USED TO"...I hate that I feel that way.  There are so many people without work, many of them who WANT to work and I'm fortunate to have two jobs.  But at what cost?  And for the first time in the 19 years I've been there, we are at great risk of losing our funding.  A community of people are at potential risk of losing services that ensure functionally equivalent communication and access.  Only time will tell with this new legislative session will bring for us, that combined with lots of internal change could mean completely new leaders within our organization.  Maybe change will do us good but the fear of the unknown is great. 

These emotions have gone unchecked for an awful long time.  Today I sit here and think about them.  What they mean and how they affect me.  What does each of these emotions move me to do?  When I ignore them, I find myself turning to food, television, cell phone, social media.  Those would be those distractions I spoke of previously.  Tonight, as I sit here with these emotions, I have none of those distractions.  It's just me and my computer.  No external noise to pull me from my thoughts and emotions.  What are they moving me to do? 

Stand up for myself and for what I believe in.
Be true to my values and not let others influence me in another direction.
Speak up when my boundaries aren't being respected.

Jumbled Mess

I feel like an absolute jumbled mess right now.  I have tears rolling down my face.  It all started when I found out that the mother of someone I care about is about to be taken off life support.  I don't know her. I've never met her.  And yet my heart hurts.  I think its because I hurt for her children and extended family that will mourn her passing.  I lost my father in June 2008, then 9 months later my "Dad" died, only to be followed by the death of my Mother 6 weeks later.  In the span of 10.5 months, I lost all three of my parents.  I don't know that I took much time to mourn their passing...it all happened so quickly and being there as mom took her last breath was absolutely surreal.  Her pain stopped and mine began.

The day after she died, I was scheduled to interpret in the video relay call center of Albuquerque.  I was in Albuquerque to be with my mom while she was sick, staying with my brother and sister in law.  What was there to do with my mom having passed?  I couldn't fathom the idea of sitting in the house without the need to go to the hospital....I might as well work right?  It was a short shift....maybe three hours?  I could do it.  A few calls to order pizza, schedule a doctors appointment, check a bank account balance, call a family member...that's the norm.  And that's how the shift started out...the norm.  That is until THAT call came in.  That call between a Deaf daughter and her hearing father...the one where they talk about how little time mom has before she loses her battle with cancer.  The conversation where they express to each other how grateful they are for the hospice workers who treat their loved one with such respect and dignity...and that's when it happened and I was unaware.  I was tearing up as I interpeted the call.  I didn't even realize it until the Deaf daughter signed "Oh Daddy....the interpreter is tearing up" and I heard my voice speak her words.  Only then did I realize it was me she was talking about...or that I had actually started tearing up.  I was so far into the "interpreter mode" that i hadn't paid attention to my heart.  I feel like I've been doing that a lot lately....not paying attention to my heart. 

Might be time to start....

Finding My Voice

Those who know me might find it hard to believe that I often struggle to find my voice.  I'm not exactly a shy person so I find it easy to meet new people and usually get along fairly well in a crowd.  It's not necessarily where I want to find myself, but I can get by.  What people may not know (or maybe they do and I'm the one who is oblivious) is that when I'm making plans to spend time with someone, I more often than not will try to find out what THEY want to do, where THEY want to go, what THEY want to eat. 

I've found myself in relationships with people who would have a similar approach and then it would turn into ..."oh, it doesn't matter...whatever you'd like to do is fine...back and forth, back and forth."  On more than one occasion, I've found myself resenting the other person because they chose something I didn't want to do.  Hmmm...whose fault is that? MINE!  Had I articulated what my preference would be, perhaps thats what we would have done!

Old habits die hard.  SERIOUSLY!  So, today I'm going to visit a friend that I haven't seen in quite some time.  It was before the holidays actually and I'm looking forward to our visit.  The plan at this time is that I'll head north to his house because he's been gone for a month caring for his mom who became very ill.  Having had that experience, I know how nice it feels to actually be HOME which is why we planned my visit there. 

Now, Ed has been working really hard to lose weight and he's done an AWESOME job of it! (Which brings me fear...but that's another post for another day.)  I know he's been drinking lots of water, controlling his portions and walking quite a bit.  SO, here's my thing.  I know he just got home but I kinda have some things I want to do today that are up in the Tacoma area.  I feel SELFISH (a word that makes me nauseous...I don't want to be selfish) asking if he'd feel up to going to the Home and Garden Show at the Tacoma Dome.  I figured it might be fun to look around and be a good opportunity to walk. There are some books at Half Price Books I need to pick up, and let's not forget there's a really great quilt shop up that way that has the backing fabric I need/want for the quilt I'm making for the beautiful baby Addisyn that will join this world soon.  Do I mention it?  Ask him if he's up to going out?   Should I offer to bring something to cook?  Offer to take him out to eat?  Why do I let this kind of stuff stress me out?  I enjoy Ed's company...he's kind and seems to be able to speak his mind.  My logical mind says...bring it up!  Ask! Suggest!  He's going to give an honest answer and not do the infamous dance of "whatever YOU'D like." Why do I do this to myself?  UGH 

FIND MY VOICE!

ok...update!  I just sent a text message to Ed.  Suggested the Home and Garden Show.  He said, might work because he had some "things" he needed to get done and he was hoping to "drag me along".  SO, now I know we're going to be out and about so I'll get to make the stops I'd like to do too!  I love that he's willing to speak his mind.  I'm proud that I put it out there....now to let go of the fear associated with asking for what I want.

Eliminating Distractions

"Distractions" ....a partial definition from Dictionary.com reads:

 

4.  That which distracts, divides the attention, or prevents concentration.

5.  That which amuses, entertains, or diverts; amusement; entertainment.

 

What are my distractions?

• Television - I have a DVR and I know how to use it!
• Internet - who doesn't Facebook, Email, Skype, IM and Pinterest?
• Cell Phone - games loaded, apps on deck, texting fool.
• Trashy magazines?  I read them...hey don't judge!
• TO DO lists...yes, I'm a list maker!  Face a challenge right off the bat? Naaah, let me make a list of things I really need/want to get done first!
• Food Food Food Food Food Food Food Food Food

So during a session with my therapist, I revealed to her that I do a LOT of multi-tasking.  Not just a little here and there...I mean a LOT of multi-tasking.  For example, a typical evening for me might be to come home and fix something for dinner, take it to my room where I have my TV on and my DVR at the ready with my menu of shows I "need" to catch up on.  I'll start one of the shows while my computer starts up.  There I'll open multiple tabs...Facebook, Yahoo Email, Messenger, Pinterest, and Online Banking.  As I sit there eating dinner and MINDLESSLY watching TV, I'll alternate between food, a tab on my computer and the show I've selected to START the evening.  If something is of particular interest on my email, or a facebook post/video, I may pause my tv show long enough to focus on whatever actually got my attention then back to resuming the show that I've DVRd.  Before I know it, my dinner is gone and I'm over full, uncomfortable and filled with shame because then I physically don't feel well and barely remember what I ate.  Not to mention several hours have passed.

 

What is my reason for all the distracting?  There are emotions I'm diverting my attention from.  What those emotions are, I don't know yet but I'm going to work on figuring that out.  HOW you say?  By slowly but surely eliminating distractions.  First to go?  YUP!  You guessed it!  My Direct TV is going away.  I've "suspended service" for six months at which time I'll make my ultimate decision as to whether I think TV is important enough to have.  And if so, what kind of mindfulness will I use to prevent it from becoming or continuing to be a distraction.  (i.e. - no more TV in my bedroom, livingroom only!)  SO, effective February 3rd (HEY...I'm paid up til then!) I will no longer have cable TV.  I know I know....I can still stream shows on Netflix and Hulu. It's likely I'll do that but not right off the bat and not to the degree I do now.  I gotta start paying closer attention to what my body is trying to tell me and stop ignoring emotions.  Imagine how much living I could do away from the television!

 

It's been said to me a couple of times and for some reason, it rang particularly true for me today..."Emotions motivate us to act."  It's that fight or flight mechanism we have...if you're experiencing fear, it may be that you are in danger and you need to act in a way that will protect you from that danger.  All emotions motivate some type of action wether it be a physical movement or an internal awareness/decision, there is action.  NOW...what are my pushed (shoved, buried, covered, disguised, ditched, avoided, diverted, hidden) emotions trying to tell me?  Here's to hoping to have an open ear to them and respect the purpose of the emotion.

 

Logical Mind vs Emotional Mind

Homework Assignment - writing for 15 to 30 minutes.  Hmmm...how to even start this post.  I'm trying to make some significant changes in my life.  You'll probably see those exact words in a post I wrote a year ago.  A sense of failure floods through me as I think back to my last post on this blog which was literally one year ago...just after the new year of 2012.  Here we are in 2013 and I'm professing the same things.  I want change. I want fitness. I want happiness.  I want peace.  NOne of those things will come to me until I acknowledge that I'm worthy of them.  I can say it..."I am worthy of living a life of happiness, a life of fitness and peace."  But to believe it in my heart enough to claim those things for myself...well, that's proven to be more of a challenge than I ever thought it would be.

Over the course of my previous weightloss efforts, I was really focused on the numbers.  That's an important thing in an attempt to lose weight.  Losing weight really is a matter of doing some simple math.  Expend more than you intake.  Simple right?  Well, I suppose it could be if you're not one of millions of men and women who have food related behaviors that revolve around emotional stimulation.  To say "I'm an emotional eater" could easily be misinterpreted.  Yes, I eat when I'm experiencing various emotions.  Sadness and anxiety are two emotions I've recently become aware of as significant triggers for me.  I do so much distracting with food.  If I eat something, I don't have to think about "this or that".  What are the "this and that?"  I'm not sure.

SO, here is where I say that every pound I lost in my "Starting My 45th Year" blog has returned and they brought LOTS of friends with them.  I've been working with a counselor that is helping me on the emotional part of it and I've been learning new skills to put to use.  Clearly until I address this aspect of my relationship with food, the weight won't stay off.  SO....here's to learning skills and putting them into practice!  Lots of baby steps ahead of me.  I know in my logical mind that I am worthy...it's convincing my emotional mind that I am.  And in case you didn't notice, I've changed my blog name.  Clearly it wasn't a matter of a year of hard work to lose weight and be done.  This really is about a journey of finding my "life worth living" therefore the new blog title is "Living Live...Conquering Challenges."

The Great Disappearing Act! Well, not exactly.....

One last time...this is my FOURTH attempt at posting an entry on my blog. Some magical key keeps getting pressed and the ENTIRE FRIGGIN thing disappears. PISSES ME OFF! Ok. after having typed several paragraphs from the heart and feeling pretty damn good about it, now I'm just irritated and not sure what is going to fly from my fingertips. Who knows, maybe this one will disappear too!

OK, so the great disappearing act. NOT DISAPPEARING POUNDS. Sadly I've gained a significant amount of weight back. The disappearing act was me...from a few aspects of my life. I'm here and I've actually sat down many times over the last several months with every intention of writing something...hoping for the inspiration to move forward, some glimpse of the energy and excitement I had back when I was full steam ahead on my weight loss adventure and working on ME. It's so much easier to try and fix other people. Looking away from me and towards others...how can I make them happier, how can I make them smile, how can i FIX them. Hmmm, fix them? FIX MYSELF damnit!

Each time I sat down to write something I found that I was really struggling with lots of different emotions. Frustration, anger, embarrassment, irritation, sadness and I'd find my mind wandering. I would become easily distracted by what could take me away from having to think about what kinds of changes are necessary to move forward with living a healthy life. As a matter of fact, I'm distracted now. There's a package of dark chocolate covered orange sticks CALLING to me. I refuse to listen. I'm not allowed out of this chair until I hit "publish post".

When I say I've been absent or disappeared from my own life, I mean that I've really not taken into consideration what my goals and objectives are and have been. When I'm compuslively overeating....I'm compulsively over shopping. I haven't sat down with my budget in months. I mean really sit down with it and see where I'm at and I definitely have NOT stayed on track. Until today. I was so close to a goal that would have been realized in March or April had I stuck to my plans. Compulsion and disregard for me and my goals took over. Now that goal is likely a year away. I won't let that scare me off though, I know I can accomplish the goals I have for myself. Financial freedom and healthy living. I've never been to a 12 step program and likely never will but I know that it really is one day at a time.

I'm here, I'm alive, I'm hopeful, I'm determined, I'm scared, I'm me.