TODAY...off to a great start

Today is my granddaughter's 6th birthday which made for a really great morning.  I mailed her birthday gifts earlier in the week and we'd scheduled a Skype date so that I could watch her open them.  It was so fun to watch even though my arms LONGED to hug her.  Seeing her smiling face and hearing that giggle in her voice was a great way to start my day.

I've mentioned that I had my cable tv disconnected in an attempt to do less distracting and more LIVING my life.  I really didn't understand just how much time I spent pouring sound into my brain to drown out whatever it is I was drowning out.  Anxiety is fear....and I deal with anxiety on a daily basis.  I can't tell you why, but it's what I'm finding as I move forward with trying to live my life in a healthy way.  I'll be writing a blog about "What does healthy mean to me?" as a homework assignment from my therapist...so more on that later. With regard to Anxiety, I have been more aware of it since the TV being disconnected which feels SO silly that I would allow television (or the lack thereof) to completely stress me out.  And then I realize, it's not the television at all..it's the quiet that my brain will be faced with. 

BUT Rather than freaking out about how I would fill my day today, I found myself eager to get outside and be productive!  Last weekend I felt a sense of mastery when I set out to do that jumpstart on yard work just before Spring gets here and the grass is knee high before you know it.  That's how it happens every year and I get frustrated with myself for NOT doing the things I had intended to do..and the things I ENJOY doing.  SO, this year IS different.  It doesn't have to be the same thing different year for me.  I did do the first mow of the season.  I did trim the first section of branches to prevent head injuries while using the riding mower.  I did use the walk behind mower to go between the back row of trees.  AND IT FELT GREAT. 

And today, the productivity continues.  I'm taking a short break but so far I've done a preliminary clean up of the front porch to get it ready for it's Spring makeover that I do every year.  I've cleaned out my fabulous greenhouse in preparation for USING my greenhouse this year...for something more than just a potting shed and gardening tool storage.  My plan for Spring is to grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and green beans.  It's a new year of new decisions and new action!

I've also tackled a very small portion of the garage and collected much of the cardboard that has piled up over the year.  Perhaps tomorrow I'll run to the transfer station and dump all the recycle stuff that doesn't fit in the recycle bin!

The day isn't over, still more time to be active and productive.  Feels good and I'm enjoying my day of living.

Frustration
Anger
Irritation
Fear
Anxiety
Disappointment
Shame
Embarrassment

WOW....that's a lot of emotion that I judge as bad.  Negative.

I've officially been in my current position for 19 years.  Nineteen years of serving a community that is important to me...yet the bureaucracy brings me to a place in my heart that makes me want to abandon ship.  I hate admitting that.  I hate that my frustration with red tape and distrust of a handful of people actually has me considering leaving a job I used to love.  "USED TO"...I hate that I feel that way.  There are so many people without work, many of them who WANT to work and I'm fortunate to have two jobs.  But at what cost?  And for the first time in the 19 years I've been there, we are at great risk of losing our funding.  A community of people are at potential risk of losing services that ensure functionally equivalent communication and access.  Only time will tell with this new legislative session will bring for us, that combined with lots of internal change could mean completely new leaders within our organization.  Maybe change will do us good but the fear of the unknown is great. 

These emotions have gone unchecked for an awful long time.  Today I sit here and think about them.  What they mean and how they affect me.  What does each of these emotions move me to do?  When I ignore them, I find myself turning to food, television, cell phone, social media.  Those would be those distractions I spoke of previously.  Tonight, as I sit here with these emotions, I have none of those distractions.  It's just me and my computer.  No external noise to pull me from my thoughts and emotions.  What are they moving me to do? 

Stand up for myself and for what I believe in.
Be true to my values and not let others influence me in another direction.
Speak up when my boundaries aren't being respected.

Jumbled Mess

I feel like an absolute jumbled mess right now.  I have tears rolling down my face.  It all started when I found out that the mother of someone I care about is about to be taken off life support.  I don't know her. I've never met her.  And yet my heart hurts.  I think its because I hurt for her children and extended family that will mourn her passing.  I lost my father in June 2008, then 9 months later my "Dad" died, only to be followed by the death of my Mother 6 weeks later.  In the span of 10.5 months, I lost all three of my parents.  I don't know that I took much time to mourn their passing...it all happened so quickly and being there as mom took her last breath was absolutely surreal.  Her pain stopped and mine began.

The day after she died, I was scheduled to interpret in the video relay call center of Albuquerque.  I was in Albuquerque to be with my mom while she was sick, staying with my brother and sister in law.  What was there to do with my mom having passed?  I couldn't fathom the idea of sitting in the house without the need to go to the hospital....I might as well work right?  It was a short shift....maybe three hours?  I could do it.  A few calls to order pizza, schedule a doctors appointment, check a bank account balance, call a family member...that's the norm.  And that's how the shift started out...the norm.  That is until THAT call came in.  That call between a Deaf daughter and her hearing father...the one where they talk about how little time mom has before she loses her battle with cancer.  The conversation where they express to each other how grateful they are for the hospice workers who treat their loved one with such respect and dignity...and that's when it happened and I was unaware.  I was tearing up as I interpeted the call.  I didn't even realize it until the Deaf daughter signed "Oh Daddy....the interpreter is tearing up" and I heard my voice speak her words.  Only then did I realize it was me she was talking about...or that I had actually started tearing up.  I was so far into the "interpreter mode" that i hadn't paid attention to my heart.  I feel like I've been doing that a lot lately....not paying attention to my heart. 

Might be time to start....