They're Back!

Five weeks have passed since my last post and I'm sad and embarrassed to admit that 9 pounds have found their way back to my body. I started a post a few weeks ago that addressed my old friends "panic" and "anxiety". They were back in full force and that was manifested in food binges and hiding. The shame of the weight gain and lack of self control even stopped me from blogging about my very first 1/2 Marathon which I successfully completed. More on that in a little bit.

Aside from the bingeing and absolute lack of self control, I've found myself to be in a sad place. I haven't shared that with anyone really so I'm fearful that those close to me will feel slighted that I didn't confide. The crappy part about being in the place I've been is that the last thing I want to do is talk about it. I can put on a good front (for the most part) and people won't have a clue that I'm hurting inside. But I know...I know that I'm hurting inside and rather than deal with the why it's so much easier to shove it further down by eating a ton of crap. That's where I've been. I've been in a dark place of shoveling food to smother whatever this is that's making me feel unworthy of healthy living.

I've never struggled with drugs and alcohol so I can't speak to that type of addiction but what I can tell you is that a food addiction is a terrible thing. The amount of negotiating you can do and bargains you can make in your mind as to why one more piece, bite, lick, bowl, taste, serving....won't kill you. It is killing me.

I'm tired of telling myself "tomorrow is a new day", "start fresh in the morning", "you're not going to gain the 53 pounds pack overnight"...well guess what?!?!? When you have blinders on for weeks at a time, 5 weeks can feel like "overnight" and there they are...9 pounds you worked so hard to get rid of are BACK. How many more "overnights" will I have to be in denial through for the rest of it to come back? I don't want that to happen. I don't want to realize every five or six weeks that I've been in a food induced stupor only to wake and see the weight all back, the sore feet, the aching knees, the painful back, the constant headaches (which I've concluded are food/allergen related), the wheezing because I can't get enough air. This has to stop. It's truly hard to sit here and write this. Chances are very few people will read it and that's ok too....just know that those of you who have taken the time to support me on this journey really do mean a lot to me. I'm so grateful for you and your time and I don't want to disappoint you. I know I can beat this I just don't know how or when.

Last week I decided NOT to have a long term goal. I've set several and failed each one of them. I wrote the following on my bathroom mirror.

If you can't see it in the photo, it says "One Moment at a time, One Choice at a time, YOU ARE WORTH THE EFFORT". I am worth the effort. And I've learned that for me, in this place right now, it really is about every individual decision I make...in this moment, right now. I have to ask myself how with this food decision help me accomplish the objective of a healthy life?

This blog is about being honest and true to myself and to those of you supporting me. SO, that's what I'm doing by saying I'm sad, frustrated, irritated, angry, deflated, disappointed, embarrassed, AND DETERMINED. Determined not to let go of my dream to live a healthier life. This morning I got back to my Monday morning weigh in routine...here's what today brings. Sadly, it is a 9 pound gain from my last post. I have to say, I've noticed the difference in my face which is typically the first place I gain weight...there they are again, the extra chin/s.

For now I'm going to step away and enjoy my beautiful front porch. I hope to be inspired to come in and blog about my amazing experience in completing my first 1/2 marathon. Please leave a comment if you visit. Would love to hear from those of you who take the time to read my blog.

Headed in the Right Direction!

Well, it's late and I don't have a much to blog about but my goal is to be more timely with my weekly weigh ins. It's been a good week and the weigh in shows progress in the right direction. Down a little more so that makes me happy. I'm at the lowest I've been in over 10 years.

Back to Real Life it's Week 34!

Well, I've been home from Arizona for about a week now and starting to settle in/accept the emotions that came with the trip. As I previously blogged, a very precious friend (love you Karen!) has moved from the soggy/soppy Pacific Northwest to Mesa Arizona where she can be toasty warm and hopefully pain free!

While preparing to drive miss Karen (it was a great roadtrip by the way...aside from crazy weather!) I found myself being less mindful of my actions both in terms of food intake as well as exercise. The thought of her being so far away was terrifying and heartbreaking. She's my safe place, my quiet zone, by precious friend. I went through the motions of getting her moved with a heavy heart but grateful to be the one lucky enough to help with the adventure. Karen has a great family of fur babies...she trusted me to help her get them to their new home and I feel honored by that.

Now that I'm home and back to real life, I've been doing a lot of thinking about my emotional eating. It's been a problem for many years. I'm an emotional person...I've been told that by several people that know and love me so taking that to heart is going to be a huge step in the right direction. There are times when I wish I WASN'T an emotional person...BUT I am!

My visit to AZ was filled with smiles and tears...it was great to spend time with family (I got to see my brother Kevin from Tucson) and friends that I love dearly. Emotions are a good thing but "using them for good" is essential. SO, use your emotions to tell the people you love just how important they are to you.

I feel as though I've found some clarity through tears of sadness and joy


AND to get back to weekly weigh ins again...here's my most recent weight. I'm not terribly disappointed by the gain because as I mentioned, I'd been making some unhealthy choices HOWEVER, while in AZ I did take daily walks in the beautiful Arizona sun! I'll be back in July to soak up some more Vitamin D. Hopefully I'll have had a little of that here in WA by then too!

Meet Margie Bear

Let me introduce you to Margie Bear...

She's the snuggle bear that lives on my bed. She's been with me for just over a year, bought just after Valentines Day. There she was sitting on a top shelf in a Walgreen's store...their clearance items had all but sold out and she was all alone. I was drawn to her and at the time I didn't know why but it didn't take long for me to realize the connection. She reminded me of the bear my niece gave to my mom when she was dying from pancreatic cancer. My mom held that bear and literally fell into a deep sleep, waking with a smile when she realized she was still holding the bear.

Am I too old to have a stuffy to hold at night? Nope. I find myself feeling so comforted by that little soft bear and the memory of my mom and her peaceful face. She loved that bear and it meant so much to her to have received it from my sweet niece Alexis. Mom's bear now lives with Alexis and I hope she knows that she's not too old to sleep with a stuffy.

I hadn't named her until my granddaughter asked me - "Nammie, what's your dolly's name?" My mom was loved by many children that she cared for in her home. They called her Margie...it seemed fitting.

I've had an emotionally draining week. I've cried tears of sadness, fear and joy and struggled with a bit of a cold. Arriving home from Arizona, I basically flopped into bed and passed out from exhaustion. The next morning, I woke with Margie Bear in my arms and I couldn't help by smile.

YoYo's and Spirals

To those of you who love to quilt like I do...those two words, YoYo and Spiral are design elements that many of us love to incorporate into a quilt. An antique YoYo quilt can conjure up memories from childhood of a comforting moment in time where you were snuggled under such a treasure, counting the beautiful "flowers" created by the YoYo pieces. Spiraled quiting stiches winding their way throughout a quilt, bringing your eyes to the neatly pieced blocks created by the hands of someone who loves you...beautiful images indeed.

However...those aren't the images I'm experiencing right now. I truly am struggling with my journey. I am YoYoing between moments of strength and weakness, joy and sadness, control and chaos. This battle is so strong and I'm afraid of failure. I'm stuck in a place where the emotional (and mindless) eating seems to be winning more often than not which feels like I'm spiraling out of control. Writing it here is both embarrassing and freeing at the same time. I absolutely refuse to go back to where I was and by putting this out here, it's real and NOT hidden which is how I got to where I was at over 300 pounds.

Thank you for "listening"!

Thank you Karolyn...

...for the accountability. It really is what this blog is all about. Creating another level of accountability. I'm the one that has to put in the effort of losing weight and being accountable to myself for the choices I make. HOWEVER...it's when friends like Karolyn ask me for an update that I'm reminded of the support team I have and can rely on.

SO Karolyn, and anyone interested in an update. I have lost another pound BUT that is after I gained several and was too embarrassed to post that. In the interest of "full disclosure" (smile), here are the pictures of the last two weigh ins I did.





One UP and one down. I'm still headed in the right direction and I continue to move more and eat less. It's such a battle of wills and the fact that I'm an emotional eater is something I struggle with every day.

BUT, I know I'm still moving forward with this journey. I've now officially been an ACTIVE member of LA Fitness for over one year. That membership in and of itself is not a record...I've joined and paid for memberships for years without using them. The record is the "active" part. And I'll continue to be an active participant in my life. No one else can do it for me BUT your continued encouragement and support means so much to me.

p.s. pedicure done...no toe hair per my frister's request.

Reaching a Milestone!

I missed my official weigh in day yesterday, so I stepped on my scale this morning and this is what I saw.....



Crazy. 224.4 pounds means that I've lost a total of 52.6 pounds. Hitting that 50 pound mark was an amazing feeling. That happened earlier in the week but I was skeptical that it was real. Lots of self doubt creeps in with voices saing things like "Oh, that's just a fluke..tomorrow you'll be back up to 230", or "hmmm, something must be wrong with your scale". It's crazy, the mental game that goes on in my head. I read it on other blog posts so I know I'm not alone in that mentality which is a huge relief.

So, today I celebrate that I have indeed reached a milestone of more than 50 pounds lost on this adventure/journey of weightloss and living life. I'm very lucky to have so many supportive friends and family members encouraging me along the way, so thanks for being there for me. How about I envision each of you in a cheerleading uniform with pom poms as I finish my next race? I haven't signed up for one yet, but I'll be looking for one. Until then, think about what color uniforms you guys want to wear! I gotta get the mental image ready! I'm leaning towards pink and orange....your thoughts?