Failure
Fear
It didn't come easy
Lack of trying
No commitment
Eating from a place other than hunger
Lack of focus
FEAR of Failure
Fear OF SUCCESS
Feeling like CRAP
So, mom's birthday is Sunday the 30th. My goal was to be at or below 225 by then but it's NOT going to happen. The closest I got was 231 and since THAT day, I've been completely out of control. I start my day with a decent breakfast and my days are pretty good but there is something about the evening that my brain just clicks and I'm back to terrible choices. I suppose this is likely the primary reason for my recent headaches...migraine even. I hadn't had one in quite a while but boy they came back with a vengence.
I'm not sure how I'm going to come out of this...but I AM coming out of this. I'm afraid to get on the scale for fear that I've gained a TON of weight back. Where is the resolve stored? Is it in my heart, my head, my belly??? Hell if I know but I'm not giving up the fight to find it and move forward. I wish I could say that "TODAY IS THE DAY" this is the very moment where this tailspin stops but I can't say that with any confidence.
My first 10K race is on Sunday...I'm likely going in to this unprepared but I'm doing it anyway. When I completed 4.75 miles last Saturday (the last time I actually did any REAL excercise) I finished it in 60 minutes. I felt like I definitely could have kept going so the 6.2 miles isn't impossible. Maybe I'll have some revelation while I'm in with myself on this walk/run.
This week has been extra hard for me too. Let's hope it's something in the air and that we'll both emerge from it stronger and with more resolve. I will get my meal plan and all that next week, and I'm gonna give it my damn best. I'm going to stop worrying about how much gas it might take, and just get in my car and go out and move, go out and get away from the chocolate chips and whatnot.
ReplyDeleteKelly, I'm not surprised that coming up to your Mom's birthday wasn't a time of success. You miss her. You have lots of scary feelings (what if I'm successful? Who will I be?) and scared feelings (what if I don't make it?). This is emotional.
You've come so far. You will continue to make progress. This is just a blip, and you will get back to the matter at hand.
And you will text me with snarky, ironic messages any time you want - I promise to respond in kind.
HANG IN THERE.
I just want to say one thing: You owned it therefore this is a success. Maybe not the "hey lookie I made it to goal" but more of a "you know what universe, you can kindly suck a monkey nut cause I aint quitting" kind of success.
ReplyDeleteOn the 30th you are going to wake up, strap on your fucking shoes and get 6.2 miles done like it is no ones business. Then you're going to take that fear of success and tell it to join the universe in sucking the monkey's other nut!!!
Stop self fulfilling the prophecies that no longer bind you. You own Kelly now, no one / no thing owns you.
Good advice from those around you.... are you Hearing it? I've seen you go through tough shit for the last 11yrs... I've seen you conquer your inner nagging voices. Marge would definetly be PROUD of the work you're doing. Don't let this stumble bring you all the way down. YOU have the tools to get yourself up and going! I KNOW YOU DO!
ReplyDeleteEach time you've stumbled through this new exercising and living healthier, you come back stronger, and with more knowledge. TRUST YOURSELF!! Let go of the nay-saying nagging voices.
Who the hell said it was gonna be an easy ride??? THIS is the tough stuff you try to prepair yourself for. So..... do what you gotta do to take care of you!!!! hugs, JaiCie.
Dear Kelly:
ReplyDeleteYou do not know me, but your sister Denise is my best friend. I have been following your blog all year, and from a 'perfect stranger's' point of view I want to tell you I think you are a success! You have already lost 40 lbs!!! OMGoodness, that is amazing!! In addition, you are stronger both physically and mentally, but also emotionally, as you are so self-aware. I admire you for putting your journey "out there" for all of us to read. We all have a path in life: life lessons, and the opportunity to make a difference in other's lives while we are healing our own lives. You dear Kelly are an inspiration. Take a deep breath and let spirit speak to you...God is so much gentler on us than we are on ourselves...it is His voice that you should listen to...I know He is proud of you! (I know I am)...
OK, Missy. I second everything everyone else said... except I'm not sure I would have come up with Tara's descriptions, though I wholeheartedly agree. ;)
ReplyDeleteI've watched you taking control of OTHER areas of your life during this time, too, not just the food/exercise stuff. I'm proud of the steps you're taking and your acknowledgment of both your weaknesses and your strengths.
You're moving forward. In more areas than one. Enjoy the 10K this weekend. Can't wait to hear all about it. Happy birthday to your Mom. What an honor.
Heh. Tara said monkey nut. <3
ReplyDeleteHeh...yes she did. Then she talked about the monkey's OTHER nut! :o)
ReplyDeleteI absolutely understand. I've been at 160 (after losing 49 lbs, and I'm only 5' tall) for a few weeks now. I wanted to be 155 on Valentine's Day, for my 8th wedding anniversary. Since I hit 160, I've totally slowed down my effort -- apparently afraid of going to the 150s, afraid it will be fleeting, afraid I will have to keep working to get to my ultimate goal.
ReplyDeleteHave a great 10k today. (I tried my first one yesterday, and walked more than I ran, but still feel proud for doing it.) When you're ready in your heart, you'll make your next goal...just like I will when I'm ready in mine.
:( I am sorry that I missed this one. I am glad that you made through the other side of your bad time. I am glad you didn't give up! Everyone has bad days.. days when we just want to eat whatever the hell we want to eat, without counting or worrying about our size. You and your honesty are so inspiring! You will reach your goals!
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