TODAY...off to a great start

Today is my granddaughter's 6th birthday which made for a really great morning.  I mailed her birthday gifts earlier in the week and we'd scheduled a Skype date so that I could watch her open them.  It was so fun to watch even though my arms LONGED to hug her.  Seeing her smiling face and hearing that giggle in her voice was a great way to start my day.

I've mentioned that I had my cable tv disconnected in an attempt to do less distracting and more LIVING my life.  I really didn't understand just how much time I spent pouring sound into my brain to drown out whatever it is I was drowning out.  Anxiety is fear....and I deal with anxiety on a daily basis.  I can't tell you why, but it's what I'm finding as I move forward with trying to live my life in a healthy way.  I'll be writing a blog about "What does healthy mean to me?" as a homework assignment from my therapist...so more on that later. With regard to Anxiety, I have been more aware of it since the TV being disconnected which feels SO silly that I would allow television (or the lack thereof) to completely stress me out.  And then I realize, it's not the television at all..it's the quiet that my brain will be faced with. 

BUT Rather than freaking out about how I would fill my day today, I found myself eager to get outside and be productive!  Last weekend I felt a sense of mastery when I set out to do that jumpstart on yard work just before Spring gets here and the grass is knee high before you know it.  That's how it happens every year and I get frustrated with myself for NOT doing the things I had intended to do..and the things I ENJOY doing.  SO, this year IS different.  It doesn't have to be the same thing different year for me.  I did do the first mow of the season.  I did trim the first section of branches to prevent head injuries while using the riding mower.  I did use the walk behind mower to go between the back row of trees.  AND IT FELT GREAT. 

And today, the productivity continues.  I'm taking a short break but so far I've done a preliminary clean up of the front porch to get it ready for it's Spring makeover that I do every year.  I've cleaned out my fabulous greenhouse in preparation for USING my greenhouse this year...for something more than just a potting shed and gardening tool storage.  My plan for Spring is to grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and green beans.  It's a new year of new decisions and new action!

I've also tackled a very small portion of the garage and collected much of the cardboard that has piled up over the year.  Perhaps tomorrow I'll run to the transfer station and dump all the recycle stuff that doesn't fit in the recycle bin!

The day isn't over, still more time to be active and productive.  Feels good and I'm enjoying my day of living.

Frustration
Anger
Irritation
Fear
Anxiety
Disappointment
Shame
Embarrassment

WOW....that's a lot of emotion that I judge as bad.  Negative.

I've officially been in my current position for 19 years.  Nineteen years of serving a community that is important to me...yet the bureaucracy brings me to a place in my heart that makes me want to abandon ship.  I hate admitting that.  I hate that my frustration with red tape and distrust of a handful of people actually has me considering leaving a job I used to love.  "USED TO"...I hate that I feel that way.  There are so many people without work, many of them who WANT to work and I'm fortunate to have two jobs.  But at what cost?  And for the first time in the 19 years I've been there, we are at great risk of losing our funding.  A community of people are at potential risk of losing services that ensure functionally equivalent communication and access.  Only time will tell with this new legislative session will bring for us, that combined with lots of internal change could mean completely new leaders within our organization.  Maybe change will do us good but the fear of the unknown is great. 

These emotions have gone unchecked for an awful long time.  Today I sit here and think about them.  What they mean and how they affect me.  What does each of these emotions move me to do?  When I ignore them, I find myself turning to food, television, cell phone, social media.  Those would be those distractions I spoke of previously.  Tonight, as I sit here with these emotions, I have none of those distractions.  It's just me and my computer.  No external noise to pull me from my thoughts and emotions.  What are they moving me to do? 

Stand up for myself and for what I believe in.
Be true to my values and not let others influence me in another direction.
Speak up when my boundaries aren't being respected.

Jumbled Mess

I feel like an absolute jumbled mess right now.  I have tears rolling down my face.  It all started when I found out that the mother of someone I care about is about to be taken off life support.  I don't know her. I've never met her.  And yet my heart hurts.  I think its because I hurt for her children and extended family that will mourn her passing.  I lost my father in June 2008, then 9 months later my "Dad" died, only to be followed by the death of my Mother 6 weeks later.  In the span of 10.5 months, I lost all three of my parents.  I don't know that I took much time to mourn their passing...it all happened so quickly and being there as mom took her last breath was absolutely surreal.  Her pain stopped and mine began.

The day after she died, I was scheduled to interpret in the video relay call center of Albuquerque.  I was in Albuquerque to be with my mom while she was sick, staying with my brother and sister in law.  What was there to do with my mom having passed?  I couldn't fathom the idea of sitting in the house without the need to go to the hospital....I might as well work right?  It was a short shift....maybe three hours?  I could do it.  A few calls to order pizza, schedule a doctors appointment, check a bank account balance, call a family member...that's the norm.  And that's how the shift started out...the norm.  That is until THAT call came in.  That call between a Deaf daughter and her hearing father...the one where they talk about how little time mom has before she loses her battle with cancer.  The conversation where they express to each other how grateful they are for the hospice workers who treat their loved one with such respect and dignity...and that's when it happened and I was unaware.  I was tearing up as I interpeted the call.  I didn't even realize it until the Deaf daughter signed "Oh Daddy....the interpreter is tearing up" and I heard my voice speak her words.  Only then did I realize it was me she was talking about...or that I had actually started tearing up.  I was so far into the "interpreter mode" that i hadn't paid attention to my heart.  I feel like I've been doing that a lot lately....not paying attention to my heart. 

Might be time to start....

Finding My Voice

Those who know me might find it hard to believe that I often struggle to find my voice.  I'm not exactly a shy person so I find it easy to meet new people and usually get along fairly well in a crowd.  It's not necessarily where I want to find myself, but I can get by.  What people may not know (or maybe they do and I'm the one who is oblivious) is that when I'm making plans to spend time with someone, I more often than not will try to find out what THEY want to do, where THEY want to go, what THEY want to eat. 

I've found myself in relationships with people who would have a similar approach and then it would turn into ..."oh, it doesn't matter...whatever you'd like to do is fine...back and forth, back and forth."  On more than one occasion, I've found myself resenting the other person because they chose something I didn't want to do.  Hmmm...whose fault is that? MINE!  Had I articulated what my preference would be, perhaps thats what we would have done!

Old habits die hard.  SERIOUSLY!  So, today I'm going to visit a friend that I haven't seen in quite some time.  It was before the holidays actually and I'm looking forward to our visit.  The plan at this time is that I'll head north to his house because he's been gone for a month caring for his mom who became very ill.  Having had that experience, I know how nice it feels to actually be HOME which is why we planned my visit there. 

Now, Ed has been working really hard to lose weight and he's done an AWESOME job of it! (Which brings me fear...but that's another post for another day.)  I know he's been drinking lots of water, controlling his portions and walking quite a bit.  SO, here's my thing.  I know he just got home but I kinda have some things I want to do today that are up in the Tacoma area.  I feel SELFISH (a word that makes me nauseous...I don't want to be selfish) asking if he'd feel up to going to the Home and Garden Show at the Tacoma Dome.  I figured it might be fun to look around and be a good opportunity to walk. There are some books at Half Price Books I need to pick up, and let's not forget there's a really great quilt shop up that way that has the backing fabric I need/want for the quilt I'm making for the beautiful baby Addisyn that will join this world soon.  Do I mention it?  Ask him if he's up to going out?   Should I offer to bring something to cook?  Offer to take him out to eat?  Why do I let this kind of stuff stress me out?  I enjoy Ed's company...he's kind and seems to be able to speak his mind.  My logical mind says...bring it up!  Ask! Suggest!  He's going to give an honest answer and not do the infamous dance of "whatever YOU'D like." Why do I do this to myself?  UGH 

FIND MY VOICE!

ok...update!  I just sent a text message to Ed.  Suggested the Home and Garden Show.  He said, might work because he had some "things" he needed to get done and he was hoping to "drag me along".  SO, now I know we're going to be out and about so I'll get to make the stops I'd like to do too!  I love that he's willing to speak his mind.  I'm proud that I put it out there....now to let go of the fear associated with asking for what I want.

Eliminating Distractions

"Distractions" ....a partial definition from Dictionary.com reads:

 

4.  That which distracts, divides the attention, or prevents concentration.

5.  That which amuses, entertains, or diverts; amusement; entertainment.

 

What are my distractions?

• Television - I have a DVR and I know how to use it!
• Internet - who doesn't Facebook, Email, Skype, IM and Pinterest?
• Cell Phone - games loaded, apps on deck, texting fool.
• Trashy magazines?  I read them...hey don't judge!
• TO DO lists...yes, I'm a list maker!  Face a challenge right off the bat? Naaah, let me make a list of things I really need/want to get done first!
• Food Food Food Food Food Food Food Food Food

So during a session with my therapist, I revealed to her that I do a LOT of multi-tasking.  Not just a little here and there...I mean a LOT of multi-tasking.  For example, a typical evening for me might be to come home and fix something for dinner, take it to my room where I have my TV on and my DVR at the ready with my menu of shows I "need" to catch up on.  I'll start one of the shows while my computer starts up.  There I'll open multiple tabs...Facebook, Yahoo Email, Messenger, Pinterest, and Online Banking.  As I sit there eating dinner and MINDLESSLY watching TV, I'll alternate between food, a tab on my computer and the show I've selected to START the evening.  If something is of particular interest on my email, or a facebook post/video, I may pause my tv show long enough to focus on whatever actually got my attention then back to resuming the show that I've DVRd.  Before I know it, my dinner is gone and I'm over full, uncomfortable and filled with shame because then I physically don't feel well and barely remember what I ate.  Not to mention several hours have passed.

 

What is my reason for all the distracting?  There are emotions I'm diverting my attention from.  What those emotions are, I don't know yet but I'm going to work on figuring that out.  HOW you say?  By slowly but surely eliminating distractions.  First to go?  YUP!  You guessed it!  My Direct TV is going away.  I've "suspended service" for six months at which time I'll make my ultimate decision as to whether I think TV is important enough to have.  And if so, what kind of mindfulness will I use to prevent it from becoming or continuing to be a distraction.  (i.e. - no more TV in my bedroom, livingroom only!)  SO, effective February 3rd (HEY...I'm paid up til then!) I will no longer have cable TV.  I know I know....I can still stream shows on Netflix and Hulu. It's likely I'll do that but not right off the bat and not to the degree I do now.  I gotta start paying closer attention to what my body is trying to tell me and stop ignoring emotions.  Imagine how much living I could do away from the television!

 

It's been said to me a couple of times and for some reason, it rang particularly true for me today..."Emotions motivate us to act."  It's that fight or flight mechanism we have...if you're experiencing fear, it may be that you are in danger and you need to act in a way that will protect you from that danger.  All emotions motivate some type of action wether it be a physical movement or an internal awareness/decision, there is action.  NOW...what are my pushed (shoved, buried, covered, disguised, ditched, avoided, diverted, hidden) emotions trying to tell me?  Here's to hoping to have an open ear to them and respect the purpose of the emotion.

 

Logical Mind vs Emotional Mind

Homework Assignment - writing for 15 to 30 minutes.  Hmmm...how to even start this post.  I'm trying to make some significant changes in my life.  You'll probably see those exact words in a post I wrote a year ago.  A sense of failure floods through me as I think back to my last post on this blog which was literally one year ago...just after the new year of 2012.  Here we are in 2013 and I'm professing the same things.  I want change. I want fitness. I want happiness.  I want peace.  NOne of those things will come to me until I acknowledge that I'm worthy of them.  I can say it..."I am worthy of living a life of happiness, a life of fitness and peace."  But to believe it in my heart enough to claim those things for myself...well, that's proven to be more of a challenge than I ever thought it would be.

Over the course of my previous weightloss efforts, I was really focused on the numbers.  That's an important thing in an attempt to lose weight.  Losing weight really is a matter of doing some simple math.  Expend more than you intake.  Simple right?  Well, I suppose it could be if you're not one of millions of men and women who have food related behaviors that revolve around emotional stimulation.  To say "I'm an emotional eater" could easily be misinterpreted.  Yes, I eat when I'm experiencing various emotions.  Sadness and anxiety are two emotions I've recently become aware of as significant triggers for me.  I do so much distracting with food.  If I eat something, I don't have to think about "this or that".  What are the "this and that?"  I'm not sure.

SO, here is where I say that every pound I lost in my "Starting My 45th Year" blog has returned and they brought LOTS of friends with them.  I've been working with a counselor that is helping me on the emotional part of it and I've been learning new skills to put to use.  Clearly until I address this aspect of my relationship with food, the weight won't stay off.  SO....here's to learning skills and putting them into practice!  Lots of baby steps ahead of me.  I know in my logical mind that I am worthy...it's convincing my emotional mind that I am.  And in case you didn't notice, I've changed my blog name.  Clearly it wasn't a matter of a year of hard work to lose weight and be done.  This really is about a journey of finding my "life worth living" therefore the new blog title is "Living Live...Conquering Challenges."

The Great Disappearing Act! Well, not exactly.....

One last time...this is my FOURTH attempt at posting an entry on my blog. Some magical key keeps getting pressed and the ENTIRE FRIGGIN thing disappears. PISSES ME OFF! Ok. after having typed several paragraphs from the heart and feeling pretty damn good about it, now I'm just irritated and not sure what is going to fly from my fingertips. Who knows, maybe this one will disappear too!

OK, so the great disappearing act. NOT DISAPPEARING POUNDS. Sadly I've gained a significant amount of weight back. The disappearing act was me...from a few aspects of my life. I'm here and I've actually sat down many times over the last several months with every intention of writing something...hoping for the inspiration to move forward, some glimpse of the energy and excitement I had back when I was full steam ahead on my weight loss adventure and working on ME. It's so much easier to try and fix other people. Looking away from me and towards others...how can I make them happier, how can I make them smile, how can i FIX them. Hmmm, fix them? FIX MYSELF damnit!

Each time I sat down to write something I found that I was really struggling with lots of different emotions. Frustration, anger, embarrassment, irritation, sadness and I'd find my mind wandering. I would become easily distracted by what could take me away from having to think about what kinds of changes are necessary to move forward with living a healthy life. As a matter of fact, I'm distracted now. There's a package of dark chocolate covered orange sticks CALLING to me. I refuse to listen. I'm not allowed out of this chair until I hit "publish post".

When I say I've been absent or disappeared from my own life, I mean that I've really not taken into consideration what my goals and objectives are and have been. When I'm compuslively overeating....I'm compulsively over shopping. I haven't sat down with my budget in months. I mean really sit down with it and see where I'm at and I definitely have NOT stayed on track. Until today. I was so close to a goal that would have been realized in March or April had I stuck to my plans. Compulsion and disregard for me and my goals took over. Now that goal is likely a year away. I won't let that scare me off though, I know I can accomplish the goals I have for myself. Financial freedom and healthy living. I've never been to a 12 step program and likely never will but I know that it really is one day at a time.

I'm here, I'm alive, I'm hopeful, I'm determined, I'm scared, I'm me.

They're Back!

Five weeks have passed since my last post and I'm sad and embarrassed to admit that 9 pounds have found their way back to my body. I started a post a few weeks ago that addressed my old friends "panic" and "anxiety". They were back in full force and that was manifested in food binges and hiding. The shame of the weight gain and lack of self control even stopped me from blogging about my very first 1/2 Marathon which I successfully completed. More on that in a little bit.

Aside from the bingeing and absolute lack of self control, I've found myself to be in a sad place. I haven't shared that with anyone really so I'm fearful that those close to me will feel slighted that I didn't confide. The crappy part about being in the place I've been is that the last thing I want to do is talk about it. I can put on a good front (for the most part) and people won't have a clue that I'm hurting inside. But I know...I know that I'm hurting inside and rather than deal with the why it's so much easier to shove it further down by eating a ton of crap. That's where I've been. I've been in a dark place of shoveling food to smother whatever this is that's making me feel unworthy of healthy living.

I've never struggled with drugs and alcohol so I can't speak to that type of addiction but what I can tell you is that a food addiction is a terrible thing. The amount of negotiating you can do and bargains you can make in your mind as to why one more piece, bite, lick, bowl, taste, serving....won't kill you. It is killing me.

I'm tired of telling myself "tomorrow is a new day", "start fresh in the morning", "you're not going to gain the 53 pounds pack overnight"...well guess what?!?!? When you have blinders on for weeks at a time, 5 weeks can feel like "overnight" and there they are...9 pounds you worked so hard to get rid of are BACK. How many more "overnights" will I have to be in denial through for the rest of it to come back? I don't want that to happen. I don't want to realize every five or six weeks that I've been in a food induced stupor only to wake and see the weight all back, the sore feet, the aching knees, the painful back, the constant headaches (which I've concluded are food/allergen related), the wheezing because I can't get enough air. This has to stop. It's truly hard to sit here and write this. Chances are very few people will read it and that's ok too....just know that those of you who have taken the time to support me on this journey really do mean a lot to me. I'm so grateful for you and your time and I don't want to disappoint you. I know I can beat this I just don't know how or when.

Last week I decided NOT to have a long term goal. I've set several and failed each one of them. I wrote the following on my bathroom mirror.

If you can't see it in the photo, it says "One Moment at a time, One Choice at a time, YOU ARE WORTH THE EFFORT". I am worth the effort. And I've learned that for me, in this place right now, it really is about every individual decision I make...in this moment, right now. I have to ask myself how with this food decision help me accomplish the objective of a healthy life?

This blog is about being honest and true to myself and to those of you supporting me. SO, that's what I'm doing by saying I'm sad, frustrated, irritated, angry, deflated, disappointed, embarrassed, AND DETERMINED. Determined not to let go of my dream to live a healthier life. This morning I got back to my Monday morning weigh in routine...here's what today brings. Sadly, it is a 9 pound gain from my last post. I have to say, I've noticed the difference in my face which is typically the first place I gain weight...there they are again, the extra chin/s.

For now I'm going to step away and enjoy my beautiful front porch. I hope to be inspired to come in and blog about my amazing experience in completing my first 1/2 marathon. Please leave a comment if you visit. Would love to hear from those of you who take the time to read my blog.

Headed in the Right Direction!

Well, it's late and I don't have a much to blog about but my goal is to be more timely with my weekly weigh ins. It's been a good week and the weigh in shows progress in the right direction. Down a little more so that makes me happy. I'm at the lowest I've been in over 10 years.

Back to Real Life it's Week 34!

Well, I've been home from Arizona for about a week now and starting to settle in/accept the emotions that came with the trip. As I previously blogged, a very precious friend (love you Karen!) has moved from the soggy/soppy Pacific Northwest to Mesa Arizona where she can be toasty warm and hopefully pain free!

While preparing to drive miss Karen (it was a great roadtrip by the way...aside from crazy weather!) I found myself being less mindful of my actions both in terms of food intake as well as exercise. The thought of her being so far away was terrifying and heartbreaking. She's my safe place, my quiet zone, by precious friend. I went through the motions of getting her moved with a heavy heart but grateful to be the one lucky enough to help with the adventure. Karen has a great family of fur babies...she trusted me to help her get them to their new home and I feel honored by that.

Now that I'm home and back to real life, I've been doing a lot of thinking about my emotional eating. It's been a problem for many years. I'm an emotional person...I've been told that by several people that know and love me so taking that to heart is going to be a huge step in the right direction. There are times when I wish I WASN'T an emotional person...BUT I am!

My visit to AZ was filled with smiles and tears...it was great to spend time with family (I got to see my brother Kevin from Tucson) and friends that I love dearly. Emotions are a good thing but "using them for good" is essential. SO, use your emotions to tell the people you love just how important they are to you.

I feel as though I've found some clarity through tears of sadness and joy


AND to get back to weekly weigh ins again...here's my most recent weight. I'm not terribly disappointed by the gain because as I mentioned, I'd been making some unhealthy choices HOWEVER, while in AZ I did take daily walks in the beautiful Arizona sun! I'll be back in July to soak up some more Vitamin D. Hopefully I'll have had a little of that here in WA by then too!

Meet Margie Bear

Let me introduce you to Margie Bear...

She's the snuggle bear that lives on my bed. She's been with me for just over a year, bought just after Valentines Day. There she was sitting on a top shelf in a Walgreen's store...their clearance items had all but sold out and she was all alone. I was drawn to her and at the time I didn't know why but it didn't take long for me to realize the connection. She reminded me of the bear my niece gave to my mom when she was dying from pancreatic cancer. My mom held that bear and literally fell into a deep sleep, waking with a smile when she realized she was still holding the bear.

Am I too old to have a stuffy to hold at night? Nope. I find myself feeling so comforted by that little soft bear and the memory of my mom and her peaceful face. She loved that bear and it meant so much to her to have received it from my sweet niece Alexis. Mom's bear now lives with Alexis and I hope she knows that she's not too old to sleep with a stuffy.

I hadn't named her until my granddaughter asked me - "Nammie, what's your dolly's name?" My mom was loved by many children that she cared for in her home. They called her Margie...it seemed fitting.

I've had an emotionally draining week. I've cried tears of sadness, fear and joy and struggled with a bit of a cold. Arriving home from Arizona, I basically flopped into bed and passed out from exhaustion. The next morning, I woke with Margie Bear in my arms and I couldn't help by smile.

YoYo's and Spirals

To those of you who love to quilt like I do...those two words, YoYo and Spiral are design elements that many of us love to incorporate into a quilt. An antique YoYo quilt can conjure up memories from childhood of a comforting moment in time where you were snuggled under such a treasure, counting the beautiful "flowers" created by the YoYo pieces. Spiraled quiting stiches winding their way throughout a quilt, bringing your eyes to the neatly pieced blocks created by the hands of someone who loves you...beautiful images indeed.

However...those aren't the images I'm experiencing right now. I truly am struggling with my journey. I am YoYoing between moments of strength and weakness, joy and sadness, control and chaos. This battle is so strong and I'm afraid of failure. I'm stuck in a place where the emotional (and mindless) eating seems to be winning more often than not which feels like I'm spiraling out of control. Writing it here is both embarrassing and freeing at the same time. I absolutely refuse to go back to where I was and by putting this out here, it's real and NOT hidden which is how I got to where I was at over 300 pounds.

Thank you for "listening"!

Thank you Karolyn...

...for the accountability. It really is what this blog is all about. Creating another level of accountability. I'm the one that has to put in the effort of losing weight and being accountable to myself for the choices I make. HOWEVER...it's when friends like Karolyn ask me for an update that I'm reminded of the support team I have and can rely on.

SO Karolyn, and anyone interested in an update. I have lost another pound BUT that is after I gained several and was too embarrassed to post that. In the interest of "full disclosure" (smile), here are the pictures of the last two weigh ins I did.





One UP and one down. I'm still headed in the right direction and I continue to move more and eat less. It's such a battle of wills and the fact that I'm an emotional eater is something I struggle with every day.

BUT, I know I'm still moving forward with this journey. I've now officially been an ACTIVE member of LA Fitness for over one year. That membership in and of itself is not a record...I've joined and paid for memberships for years without using them. The record is the "active" part. And I'll continue to be an active participant in my life. No one else can do it for me BUT your continued encouragement and support means so much to me.

p.s. pedicure done...no toe hair per my frister's request.

Reaching a Milestone!

I missed my official weigh in day yesterday, so I stepped on my scale this morning and this is what I saw.....



Crazy. 224.4 pounds means that I've lost a total of 52.6 pounds. Hitting that 50 pound mark was an amazing feeling. That happened earlier in the week but I was skeptical that it was real. Lots of self doubt creeps in with voices saing things like "Oh, that's just a fluke..tomorrow you'll be back up to 230", or "hmmm, something must be wrong with your scale". It's crazy, the mental game that goes on in my head. I read it on other blog posts so I know I'm not alone in that mentality which is a huge relief.

So, today I celebrate that I have indeed reached a milestone of more than 50 pounds lost on this adventure/journey of weightloss and living life. I'm very lucky to have so many supportive friends and family members encouraging me along the way, so thanks for being there for me. How about I envision each of you in a cheerleading uniform with pom poms as I finish my next race? I haven't signed up for one yet, but I'll be looking for one. Until then, think about what color uniforms you guys want to wear! I gotta get the mental image ready! I'm leaning towards pink and orange....your thoughts?

Long time coming....new weigh in.

Ok, it's been too long since I've posted a weight update. I'm not sure why...no realy reason, probably just some lame excuses so I won't bother with that! HOWEVER, here are the last two weigh ins:

Week 24 Looked like this:

And Week 25 was even better:

Happiness Is....

Having my very own Boo Doll! We had a great day today...started with a smiling girl staring at me...GOOD MORNING NAMMIE! A tasty breakfast and then a bike ride/walk with the dogs.

Off to town to buy bird food then home to the sewing room and a movie. She makes me smile even when I'm not feeling so hot!

10K Success!

As I mentioned in previous posts, I decided to run my first 10K race on January 30th in honor of my mom who would have celebrated her 71st birthday. She was always there to encourage me every time I tried to lose weight. This is the longest I've ever stayed focused on this journey, acknowledging that it's a life change NOT a weightloss plan that will be done when I lose xx number of pounds.

SO, 10K = 6.2 miles and I'd never done that distance before...not even on the treadmill but I was determined to do it. My average 5K time has been about 42 minutes so I was really hoping that I would finish the 10K in 90 minutes or less. WELL LET ME TELL YOU... it was LESS alright! At the half mark (5K) I was at 38:38 so that was a new personal best. AND I finished the 10K in 1:20:32 (official time from the race website). It was invigorating and I felt such a sense of accomplishment when I was done. Mikki was so supportive and was there at the finish line to take this picture.


Just before the start of the race, I met Vicki who was doing her first 5K! So excited for her as she starts her adventure. GO VICKI!

Not Making My First Goal - Want to know WHY?

Failure
Fear
It didn't come easy
Lack of trying
No commitment
Eating from a place other than hunger
Lack of focus
FEAR of Failure
Fear OF SUCCESS
Feeling like CRAP

So, mom's birthday is Sunday the 30th. My goal was to be at or below 225 by then but it's NOT going to happen. The closest I got was 231 and since THAT day, I've been completely out of control. I start my day with a decent breakfast and my days are pretty good but there is something about the evening that my brain just clicks and I'm back to terrible choices. I suppose this is likely the primary reason for my recent headaches...migraine even. I hadn't had one in quite a while but boy they came back with a vengence.

I'm not sure how I'm going to come out of this...but I AM coming out of this. I'm afraid to get on the scale for fear that I've gained a TON of weight back. Where is the resolve stored? Is it in my heart, my head, my belly??? Hell if I know but I'm not giving up the fight to find it and move forward. I wish I could say that "TODAY IS THE DAY" this is the very moment where this tailspin stops but I can't say that with any confidence.

My first 10K race is on Sunday...I'm likely going in to this unprepared but I'm doing it anyway. When I completed 4.75 miles last Saturday (the last time I actually did any REAL excercise) I finished it in 60 minutes. I felt like I definitely could have kept going so the 6.2 miles isn't impossible. Maybe I'll have some revelation while I'm in with myself on this walk/run.

New Record!

About 9 months ago, I attempted to do the "Couch to 5K" program. It's a program that takes someone from a sedentary lifestyle to theoretically being able to actually run a 5K race. Week one of the program has you alternate walking for 90 seconds (I think) and running at a comfortable pace for 30 seconds. I could barely do that without feeling like my heart was going to pound out of my chest. I did the first two or three weeks before I had to give it up due to knee pain. Turns out, at my weight back then, running just wasn't for me.

BUT, I didn't give it up completely because I do enjoy it and the treadmill is my friend. I've kept doing my cardio on the treadmill continually trying to better my speed or endurance. Yesterday was GREAT! I set the time for 60 minutes (it wouldn't let me set it for 90) and started moving. Typically I walk briskly for a while and then bump up the speed to 5.0 (I know not super fast but it's a good jogging pace for me). I've gotten to a point where I usually can jog for about 7 minutes at a time before I have to bump it back down to the 3.5(ish) mark. I'm pretty proud of myself because I used to feel like I was going to die trying to do 30 seconds. WELL, yesterday when the notice came across that at a speed of 5.0 I was doing a 12 minute mile, I decided to try to run for 12 minutes AND I DID!!!! I was so excited and proud of myself that I was grinning from ear to ear. I'm sure the people around me thought I was nuts but I'm ok with that. After the 12 minute run, I walked at a brisk 4.0 for another 8 minutes and then I DID IT AGAIN! I ran another 12 minutes. AWESOME!

I finished my 60 minute stint on the treadmill at 4.7 miles so I know my upcoming 6.2 mile race on Sunday is doable. How long will it take me? I'm hoping for 90 minutes but if it takes longer than that so be it! I refuse to give up and although there are days when it feels like giving up and living a fat life would be better...I WON'T DO IT! I'm worth the effort it takes to be healthy. AND SO ARE YOU!

Whatcha gonna do to sweat today?

Survived a Crazy 2 Weeks and Total Loss So Far

Alright, I worked both jobs for every day for two weeks straight (minus Satudays) and I'm completely wiped out. I have these great ideas for blog posts and then forget what I was going to write about. For now, I'll just post my weight update. I missed posting the pictures but I didn't miss taking them! So, week 20 looked like this:


And this most recent Monday was week 21 which looked like this:



My official total weight loss so far is 44.4 pounds. I'm still hoping for 225 by my mom's birthday which is January 30th. On that day, I'll also be honoring my mom by running/walking my first 10K race. 6.2 miles...I may not break any time records, but I'll step up to the start and I'll cross the finish line. I'll keep you posted!