One last time...this is my FOURTH attempt at posting an entry on my blog. Some magical key keeps getting pressed and the ENTIRE FRIGGIN thing disappears. PISSES ME OFF! Ok. after having typed several paragraphs from the heart and feeling pretty damn good about it, now I'm just irritated and not sure what is going to fly from my fingertips. Who knows, maybe this one will disappear too!
OK, so the great disappearing act. NOT DISAPPEARING POUNDS. Sadly I've gained a significant amount of weight back. The disappearing act was me...from a few aspects of my life. I'm here and I've actually sat down many times over the last several months with every intention of writing something...hoping for the inspiration to move forward, some glimpse of the energy and excitement I had back when I was full steam ahead on my weight loss adventure and working on ME. It's so much easier to try and fix other people. Looking away from me and towards others...how can I make them happier, how can I make them smile, how can i FIX them. Hmmm, fix them? FIX MYSELF damnit!
Each time I sat down to write something I found that I was really struggling with lots of different emotions. Frustration, anger, embarrassment, irritation, sadness and I'd find my mind wandering. I would become easily distracted by what could take me away from having to think about what kinds of changes are necessary to move forward with living a healthy life. As a matter of fact, I'm distracted now. There's a package of dark chocolate covered orange sticks CALLING to me. I refuse to listen. I'm not allowed out of this chair until I hit "publish post".
When I say I've been absent or disappeared from my own life, I mean that I've really not taken into consideration what my goals and objectives are and have been. When I'm compuslively overeating....I'm compulsively over shopping. I haven't sat down with my budget in months. I mean really sit down with it and see where I'm at and I definitely have NOT stayed on track. Until today. I was so close to a goal that would have been realized in March or April had I stuck to my plans. Compulsion and disregard for me and my goals took over. Now that goal is likely a year away. I won't let that scare me off though, I know I can accomplish the goals I have for myself. Financial freedom and healthy living. I've never been to a 12 step program and likely never will but I know that it really is one day at a time.
I'm here, I'm alive, I'm hopeful, I'm determined, I'm scared, I'm me.
