They're Back!

Five weeks have passed since my last post and I'm sad and embarrassed to admit that 9 pounds have found their way back to my body. I started a post a few weeks ago that addressed my old friends "panic" and "anxiety". They were back in full force and that was manifested in food binges and hiding. The shame of the weight gain and lack of self control even stopped me from blogging about my very first 1/2 Marathon which I successfully completed. More on that in a little bit.

Aside from the bingeing and absolute lack of self control, I've found myself to be in a sad place. I haven't shared that with anyone really so I'm fearful that those close to me will feel slighted that I didn't confide. The crappy part about being in the place I've been is that the last thing I want to do is talk about it. I can put on a good front (for the most part) and people won't have a clue that I'm hurting inside. But I know...I know that I'm hurting inside and rather than deal with the why it's so much easier to shove it further down by eating a ton of crap. That's where I've been. I've been in a dark place of shoveling food to smother whatever this is that's making me feel unworthy of healthy living.

I've never struggled with drugs and alcohol so I can't speak to that type of addiction but what I can tell you is that a food addiction is a terrible thing. The amount of negotiating you can do and bargains you can make in your mind as to why one more piece, bite, lick, bowl, taste, serving....won't kill you. It is killing me.

I'm tired of telling myself "tomorrow is a new day", "start fresh in the morning", "you're not going to gain the 53 pounds pack overnight"...well guess what?!?!? When you have blinders on for weeks at a time, 5 weeks can feel like "overnight" and there they are...9 pounds you worked so hard to get rid of are BACK. How many more "overnights" will I have to be in denial through for the rest of it to come back? I don't want that to happen. I don't want to realize every five or six weeks that I've been in a food induced stupor only to wake and see the weight all back, the sore feet, the aching knees, the painful back, the constant headaches (which I've concluded are food/allergen related), the wheezing because I can't get enough air. This has to stop. It's truly hard to sit here and write this. Chances are very few people will read it and that's ok too....just know that those of you who have taken the time to support me on this journey really do mean a lot to me. I'm so grateful for you and your time and I don't want to disappoint you. I know I can beat this I just don't know how or when.

Last week I decided NOT to have a long term goal. I've set several and failed each one of them. I wrote the following on my bathroom mirror.

If you can't see it in the photo, it says "One Moment at a time, One Choice at a time, YOU ARE WORTH THE EFFORT". I am worth the effort. And I've learned that for me, in this place right now, it really is about every individual decision I make...in this moment, right now. I have to ask myself how with this food decision help me accomplish the objective of a healthy life?

This blog is about being honest and true to myself and to those of you supporting me. SO, that's what I'm doing by saying I'm sad, frustrated, irritated, angry, deflated, disappointed, embarrassed, AND DETERMINED. Determined not to let go of my dream to live a healthier life. This morning I got back to my Monday morning weigh in routine...here's what today brings. Sadly, it is a 9 pound gain from my last post. I have to say, I've noticed the difference in my face which is typically the first place I gain weight...there they are again, the extra chin/s.

For now I'm going to step away and enjoy my beautiful front porch. I hope to be inspired to come in and blog about my amazing experience in completing my first 1/2 marathon. Please leave a comment if you visit. Would love to hear from those of you who take the time to read my blog.

Headed in the Right Direction!

Well, it's late and I don't have a much to blog about but my goal is to be more timely with my weekly weigh ins. It's been a good week and the weigh in shows progress in the right direction. Down a little more so that makes me happy. I'm at the lowest I've been in over 10 years.

Back to Real Life it's Week 34!

Well, I've been home from Arizona for about a week now and starting to settle in/accept the emotions that came with the trip. As I previously blogged, a very precious friend (love you Karen!) has moved from the soggy/soppy Pacific Northwest to Mesa Arizona where she can be toasty warm and hopefully pain free!

While preparing to drive miss Karen (it was a great roadtrip by the way...aside from crazy weather!) I found myself being less mindful of my actions both in terms of food intake as well as exercise. The thought of her being so far away was terrifying and heartbreaking. She's my safe place, my quiet zone, by precious friend. I went through the motions of getting her moved with a heavy heart but grateful to be the one lucky enough to help with the adventure. Karen has a great family of fur babies...she trusted me to help her get them to their new home and I feel honored by that.

Now that I'm home and back to real life, I've been doing a lot of thinking about my emotional eating. It's been a problem for many years. I'm an emotional person...I've been told that by several people that know and love me so taking that to heart is going to be a huge step in the right direction. There are times when I wish I WASN'T an emotional person...BUT I am!

My visit to AZ was filled with smiles and tears...it was great to spend time with family (I got to see my brother Kevin from Tucson) and friends that I love dearly. Emotions are a good thing but "using them for good" is essential. SO, use your emotions to tell the people you love just how important they are to you.

I feel as though I've found some clarity through tears of sadness and joy


AND to get back to weekly weigh ins again...here's my most recent weight. I'm not terribly disappointed by the gain because as I mentioned, I'd been making some unhealthy choices HOWEVER, while in AZ I did take daily walks in the beautiful Arizona sun! I'll be back in July to soak up some more Vitamin D. Hopefully I'll have had a little of that here in WA by then too!

Meet Margie Bear

Let me introduce you to Margie Bear...

She's the snuggle bear that lives on my bed. She's been with me for just over a year, bought just after Valentines Day. There she was sitting on a top shelf in a Walgreen's store...their clearance items had all but sold out and she was all alone. I was drawn to her and at the time I didn't know why but it didn't take long for me to realize the connection. She reminded me of the bear my niece gave to my mom when she was dying from pancreatic cancer. My mom held that bear and literally fell into a deep sleep, waking with a smile when she realized she was still holding the bear.

Am I too old to have a stuffy to hold at night? Nope. I find myself feeling so comforted by that little soft bear and the memory of my mom and her peaceful face. She loved that bear and it meant so much to her to have received it from my sweet niece Alexis. Mom's bear now lives with Alexis and I hope she knows that she's not too old to sleep with a stuffy.

I hadn't named her until my granddaughter asked me - "Nammie, what's your dolly's name?" My mom was loved by many children that she cared for in her home. They called her Margie...it seemed fitting.

I've had an emotionally draining week. I've cried tears of sadness, fear and joy and struggled with a bit of a cold. Arriving home from Arizona, I basically flopped into bed and passed out from exhaustion. The next morning, I woke with Margie Bear in my arms and I couldn't help by smile.

YoYo's and Spirals

To those of you who love to quilt like I do...those two words, YoYo and Spiral are design elements that many of us love to incorporate into a quilt. An antique YoYo quilt can conjure up memories from childhood of a comforting moment in time where you were snuggled under such a treasure, counting the beautiful "flowers" created by the YoYo pieces. Spiraled quiting stiches winding their way throughout a quilt, bringing your eyes to the neatly pieced blocks created by the hands of someone who loves you...beautiful images indeed.

However...those aren't the images I'm experiencing right now. I truly am struggling with my journey. I am YoYoing between moments of strength and weakness, joy and sadness, control and chaos. This battle is so strong and I'm afraid of failure. I'm stuck in a place where the emotional (and mindless) eating seems to be winning more often than not which feels like I'm spiraling out of control. Writing it here is both embarrassing and freeing at the same time. I absolutely refuse to go back to where I was and by putting this out here, it's real and NOT hidden which is how I got to where I was at over 300 pounds.

Thank you for "listening"!

Thank you Karolyn...

...for the accountability. It really is what this blog is all about. Creating another level of accountability. I'm the one that has to put in the effort of losing weight and being accountable to myself for the choices I make. HOWEVER...it's when friends like Karolyn ask me for an update that I'm reminded of the support team I have and can rely on.

SO Karolyn, and anyone interested in an update. I have lost another pound BUT that is after I gained several and was too embarrassed to post that. In the interest of "full disclosure" (smile), here are the pictures of the last two weigh ins I did.





One UP and one down. I'm still headed in the right direction and I continue to move more and eat less. It's such a battle of wills and the fact that I'm an emotional eater is something I struggle with every day.

BUT, I know I'm still moving forward with this journey. I've now officially been an ACTIVE member of LA Fitness for over one year. That membership in and of itself is not a record...I've joined and paid for memberships for years without using them. The record is the "active" part. And I'll continue to be an active participant in my life. No one else can do it for me BUT your continued encouragement and support means so much to me.

p.s. pedicure done...no toe hair per my frister's request.

Reaching a Milestone!

I missed my official weigh in day yesterday, so I stepped on my scale this morning and this is what I saw.....



Crazy. 224.4 pounds means that I've lost a total of 52.6 pounds. Hitting that 50 pound mark was an amazing feeling. That happened earlier in the week but I was skeptical that it was real. Lots of self doubt creeps in with voices saing things like "Oh, that's just a fluke..tomorrow you'll be back up to 230", or "hmmm, something must be wrong with your scale". It's crazy, the mental game that goes on in my head. I read it on other blog posts so I know I'm not alone in that mentality which is a huge relief.

So, today I celebrate that I have indeed reached a milestone of more than 50 pounds lost on this adventure/journey of weightloss and living life. I'm very lucky to have so many supportive friends and family members encouraging me along the way, so thanks for being there for me. How about I envision each of you in a cheerleading uniform with pom poms as I finish my next race? I haven't signed up for one yet, but I'll be looking for one. Until then, think about what color uniforms you guys want to wear! I gotta get the mental image ready! I'm leaning towards pink and orange....your thoughts?

Long time coming....new weigh in.

Ok, it's been too long since I've posted a weight update. I'm not sure why...no realy reason, probably just some lame excuses so I won't bother with that! HOWEVER, here are the last two weigh ins:

Week 24 Looked like this:

And Week 25 was even better:

Happiness Is....

Having my very own Boo Doll! We had a great day today...started with a smiling girl staring at me...GOOD MORNING NAMMIE! A tasty breakfast and then a bike ride/walk with the dogs.

Off to town to buy bird food then home to the sewing room and a movie. She makes me smile even when I'm not feeling so hot!

10K Success!

As I mentioned in previous posts, I decided to run my first 10K race on January 30th in honor of my mom who would have celebrated her 71st birthday. She was always there to encourage me every time I tried to lose weight. This is the longest I've ever stayed focused on this journey, acknowledging that it's a life change NOT a weightloss plan that will be done when I lose xx number of pounds.

SO, 10K = 6.2 miles and I'd never done that distance before...not even on the treadmill but I was determined to do it. My average 5K time has been about 42 minutes so I was really hoping that I would finish the 10K in 90 minutes or less. WELL LET ME TELL YOU... it was LESS alright! At the half mark (5K) I was at 38:38 so that was a new personal best. AND I finished the 10K in 1:20:32 (official time from the race website). It was invigorating and I felt such a sense of accomplishment when I was done. Mikki was so supportive and was there at the finish line to take this picture.


Just before the start of the race, I met Vicki who was doing her first 5K! So excited for her as she starts her adventure. GO VICKI!

Not Making My First Goal - Want to know WHY?

Failure
Fear
It didn't come easy
Lack of trying
No commitment
Eating from a place other than hunger
Lack of focus
FEAR of Failure
Fear OF SUCCESS
Feeling like CRAP

So, mom's birthday is Sunday the 30th. My goal was to be at or below 225 by then but it's NOT going to happen. The closest I got was 231 and since THAT day, I've been completely out of control. I start my day with a decent breakfast and my days are pretty good but there is something about the evening that my brain just clicks and I'm back to terrible choices. I suppose this is likely the primary reason for my recent headaches...migraine even. I hadn't had one in quite a while but boy they came back with a vengence.

I'm not sure how I'm going to come out of this...but I AM coming out of this. I'm afraid to get on the scale for fear that I've gained a TON of weight back. Where is the resolve stored? Is it in my heart, my head, my belly??? Hell if I know but I'm not giving up the fight to find it and move forward. I wish I could say that "TODAY IS THE DAY" this is the very moment where this tailspin stops but I can't say that with any confidence.

My first 10K race is on Sunday...I'm likely going in to this unprepared but I'm doing it anyway. When I completed 4.75 miles last Saturday (the last time I actually did any REAL excercise) I finished it in 60 minutes. I felt like I definitely could have kept going so the 6.2 miles isn't impossible. Maybe I'll have some revelation while I'm in with myself on this walk/run.

New Record!

About 9 months ago, I attempted to do the "Couch to 5K" program. It's a program that takes someone from a sedentary lifestyle to theoretically being able to actually run a 5K race. Week one of the program has you alternate walking for 90 seconds (I think) and running at a comfortable pace for 30 seconds. I could barely do that without feeling like my heart was going to pound out of my chest. I did the first two or three weeks before I had to give it up due to knee pain. Turns out, at my weight back then, running just wasn't for me.

BUT, I didn't give it up completely because I do enjoy it and the treadmill is my friend. I've kept doing my cardio on the treadmill continually trying to better my speed or endurance. Yesterday was GREAT! I set the time for 60 minutes (it wouldn't let me set it for 90) and started moving. Typically I walk briskly for a while and then bump up the speed to 5.0 (I know not super fast but it's a good jogging pace for me). I've gotten to a point where I usually can jog for about 7 minutes at a time before I have to bump it back down to the 3.5(ish) mark. I'm pretty proud of myself because I used to feel like I was going to die trying to do 30 seconds. WELL, yesterday when the notice came across that at a speed of 5.0 I was doing a 12 minute mile, I decided to try to run for 12 minutes AND I DID!!!! I was so excited and proud of myself that I was grinning from ear to ear. I'm sure the people around me thought I was nuts but I'm ok with that. After the 12 minute run, I walked at a brisk 4.0 for another 8 minutes and then I DID IT AGAIN! I ran another 12 minutes. AWESOME!

I finished my 60 minute stint on the treadmill at 4.7 miles so I know my upcoming 6.2 mile race on Sunday is doable. How long will it take me? I'm hoping for 90 minutes but if it takes longer than that so be it! I refuse to give up and although there are days when it feels like giving up and living a fat life would be better...I WON'T DO IT! I'm worth the effort it takes to be healthy. AND SO ARE YOU!

Whatcha gonna do to sweat today?

Survived a Crazy 2 Weeks and Total Loss So Far

Alright, I worked both jobs for every day for two weeks straight (minus Satudays) and I'm completely wiped out. I have these great ideas for blog posts and then forget what I was going to write about. For now, I'll just post my weight update. I missed posting the pictures but I didn't miss taking them! So, week 20 looked like this:


And this most recent Monday was week 21 which looked like this:



My official total weight loss so far is 44.4 pounds. I'm still hoping for 225 by my mom's birthday which is January 30th. On that day, I'll also be honoring my mom by running/walking my first 10K race. 6.2 miles...I may not break any time records, but I'll step up to the start and I'll cross the finish line. I'll keep you posted!

Planning Makes a Difference/ LOVING my Body Media Fit Armband!

Wow...what a difference it makes when you take the TIME to plan for the week ahead. I've read it countless times, suggestions from the experts...hell suggestions from friends on this same journey of change! SO, I realized that the first half of January was going to be complete chaos if I didn't plan. Not planning would be setting myself up to fail. I posted earlier that I hope to be at or below 225 by my mother's birthday which is January 30th. She would have been 71 this year and I know she'd be very proud of my progress. Anyway, without planning my meals and my exercise schedule, combined with working both jobes Sunday through Friday for the entire first half the month, I would have been doooooomed!

Today is only day 2 of utilizing my plan but WOW!!! I feel so much more peace when I'm not stressing about what I'm going to eat on the run between jobs or while I'm sitting at my desk. It's all right there...written in a nice little notebook, day by day. Aaaaaah. Thank you Mikki for helping me get it all jotted down and thank you to my frister for holding me accountable to my bedtime! That's often a challenge for me. There's always SOMETHING I could be doing other than going to bed. I'm a night owl....makes getting up at 4:30 am for a visit to the gym a little difficult!

AND about my body media fit armband...I'm really enjoying the stats I get by using it. I find myself feeling more accountable and wanting to move MORE so that i can see the results on the graph once I synch my armband with my account. I know there's a way to post some of the data but I haven't figured all that out. I'll work on in and see what I can figure out for next week. One cool thing it does is measure your sleep efficiency. COOL HUH?


So, here's my weigh in for Week 19! I'm excited to see what next week brings!