Aside from the bingeing and absolute lack of self control, I've found myself to be in a sad place. I haven't shared that with anyone really so I'm fearful that those close to me will feel slighted that I didn't confide. The crappy part about being in the place I've been is that the last thing I want to do is talk about it. I can put on a good front (for the most part) and people won't have a clue that I'm hurting inside. But I know...I know that I'm hurting inside and rather than deal with the why it's so much easier to shove it further down by eating a ton of crap. That's where I've been. I've been in a dark place of shoveling food to smother whatever this is that's making me feel unworthy of healthy living.
I've never struggled with drugs and alcohol so I can't speak to that type of addiction but what I can tell you is that a food addiction is a terrible thing. The amount of negotiating you can do and bargains you can make in your mind as to why one more piece, bite, lick, bowl, taste, serving....won't kill you. It is killing me.
I'm tired of telling myself "tomorrow is a new day", "start fresh in the morning", "you're not going to gain the 53 pounds pack overnight"...well guess what?!?!? When you have blinders on for weeks at a time, 5 weeks can feel like "overnight" and there they are...9 pounds you worked so hard to get rid of are BACK. How many more "overnights" will I have to be in denial through for the rest of it to come back? I don't want that to happen. I don't want to realize every five or six weeks that I've been in a food induced stupor only to wake and see the weight all back, the sore feet, the aching knees, the painful back, the constant headaches (which I've concluded are food/allergen related), the wheezing because I can't get enough air. This has to stop. It's truly hard to sit here and write this. Chances are very few people will read it and that's ok too....just know that those of you who have taken the time to support me on this journey really do mean a lot to me. I'm so grateful for you and your time and I don't want to disappoint you. I know I can beat this I just don't know how or when.
Last week I decided NOT to have a long term goal. I've set several and failed each one of them. I wrote the following on my bathroom mirror.
If you can't see it in the photo, it says "One Moment at a time, One Choice at a time, YOU ARE WORTH THE EFFORT". I am worth the effort. And I've learned that for me, in this place right now, it really is about every individual decision I make...in this moment, right now. I have to ask myself how with this food decision help me accomplish the objective of a healthy life?
This blog is about being honest and true to myself and to those of you supporting me. SO, that's what I'm doing by saying I'm sad, frustrated, irritated, angry, deflated, disappointed, embarrassed, AND DETERMINED. Determined not to let go of my dream to live a healthier life. This morning I got back to my Monday morning weigh in routine...here's what today brings. Sadly, it is a 9 pound gain from my last post. I have to say, I've noticed the difference in my face which is typically the first place I gain weight...there they are again, the extra chin/s.
For now I'm going to step away and enjoy my beautiful front porch. I hope to be inspired to come in and blog about my amazing experience in completing my first 1/2 marathon. Please leave a comment if you visit. Would love to hear from those of you who take the time to read my blog.
