Finding My Voice

Those who know me might find it hard to believe that I often struggle to find my voice.  I'm not exactly a shy person so I find it easy to meet new people and usually get along fairly well in a crowd.  It's not necessarily where I want to find myself, but I can get by.  What people may not know (or maybe they do and I'm the one who is oblivious) is that when I'm making plans to spend time with someone, I more often than not will try to find out what THEY want to do, where THEY want to go, what THEY want to eat. 

I've found myself in relationships with people who would have a similar approach and then it would turn into ..."oh, it doesn't matter...whatever you'd like to do is fine...back and forth, back and forth."  On more than one occasion, I've found myself resenting the other person because they chose something I didn't want to do.  Hmmm...whose fault is that? MINE!  Had I articulated what my preference would be, perhaps thats what we would have done!

Old habits die hard.  SERIOUSLY!  So, today I'm going to visit a friend that I haven't seen in quite some time.  It was before the holidays actually and I'm looking forward to our visit.  The plan at this time is that I'll head north to his house because he's been gone for a month caring for his mom who became very ill.  Having had that experience, I know how nice it feels to actually be HOME which is why we planned my visit there. 

Now, Ed has been working really hard to lose weight and he's done an AWESOME job of it! (Which brings me fear...but that's another post for another day.)  I know he's been drinking lots of water, controlling his portions and walking quite a bit.  SO, here's my thing.  I know he just got home but I kinda have some things I want to do today that are up in the Tacoma area.  I feel SELFISH (a word that makes me nauseous...I don't want to be selfish) asking if he'd feel up to going to the Home and Garden Show at the Tacoma Dome.  I figured it might be fun to look around and be a good opportunity to walk. There are some books at Half Price Books I need to pick up, and let's not forget there's a really great quilt shop up that way that has the backing fabric I need/want for the quilt I'm making for the beautiful baby Addisyn that will join this world soon.  Do I mention it?  Ask him if he's up to going out?   Should I offer to bring something to cook?  Offer to take him out to eat?  Why do I let this kind of stuff stress me out?  I enjoy Ed's company...he's kind and seems to be able to speak his mind.  My logical mind says...bring it up!  Ask! Suggest!  He's going to give an honest answer and not do the infamous dance of "whatever YOU'D like." Why do I do this to myself?  UGH 

FIND MY VOICE!

ok...update!  I just sent a text message to Ed.  Suggested the Home and Garden Show.  He said, might work because he had some "things" he needed to get done and he was hoping to "drag me along".  SO, now I know we're going to be out and about so I'll get to make the stops I'd like to do too!  I love that he's willing to speak his mind.  I'm proud that I put it out there....now to let go of the fear associated with asking for what I want.

Eliminating Distractions

"Distractions" ....a partial definition from Dictionary.com reads:

 

4.  That which distracts, divides the attention, or prevents concentration.

5.  That which amuses, entertains, or diverts; amusement; entertainment.

 

What are my distractions?

• Television - I have a DVR and I know how to use it!
• Internet - who doesn't Facebook, Email, Skype, IM and Pinterest?
• Cell Phone - games loaded, apps on deck, texting fool.
• Trashy magazines?  I read them...hey don't judge!
• TO DO lists...yes, I'm a list maker!  Face a challenge right off the bat? Naaah, let me make a list of things I really need/want to get done first!
• Food Food Food Food Food Food Food Food Food

So during a session with my therapist, I revealed to her that I do a LOT of multi-tasking.  Not just a little here and there...I mean a LOT of multi-tasking.  For example, a typical evening for me might be to come home and fix something for dinner, take it to my room where I have my TV on and my DVR at the ready with my menu of shows I "need" to catch up on.  I'll start one of the shows while my computer starts up.  There I'll open multiple tabs...Facebook, Yahoo Email, Messenger, Pinterest, and Online Banking.  As I sit there eating dinner and MINDLESSLY watching TV, I'll alternate between food, a tab on my computer and the show I've selected to START the evening.  If something is of particular interest on my email, or a facebook post/video, I may pause my tv show long enough to focus on whatever actually got my attention then back to resuming the show that I've DVRd.  Before I know it, my dinner is gone and I'm over full, uncomfortable and filled with shame because then I physically don't feel well and barely remember what I ate.  Not to mention several hours have passed.

 

What is my reason for all the distracting?  There are emotions I'm diverting my attention from.  What those emotions are, I don't know yet but I'm going to work on figuring that out.  HOW you say?  By slowly but surely eliminating distractions.  First to go?  YUP!  You guessed it!  My Direct TV is going away.  I've "suspended service" for six months at which time I'll make my ultimate decision as to whether I think TV is important enough to have.  And if so, what kind of mindfulness will I use to prevent it from becoming or continuing to be a distraction.  (i.e. - no more TV in my bedroom, livingroom only!)  SO, effective February 3rd (HEY...I'm paid up til then!) I will no longer have cable TV.  I know I know....I can still stream shows on Netflix and Hulu. It's likely I'll do that but not right off the bat and not to the degree I do now.  I gotta start paying closer attention to what my body is trying to tell me and stop ignoring emotions.  Imagine how much living I could do away from the television!

 

It's been said to me a couple of times and for some reason, it rang particularly true for me today..."Emotions motivate us to act."  It's that fight or flight mechanism we have...if you're experiencing fear, it may be that you are in danger and you need to act in a way that will protect you from that danger.  All emotions motivate some type of action wether it be a physical movement or an internal awareness/decision, there is action.  NOW...what are my pushed (shoved, buried, covered, disguised, ditched, avoided, diverted, hidden) emotions trying to tell me?  Here's to hoping to have an open ear to them and respect the purpose of the emotion.

 

Logical Mind vs Emotional Mind

Homework Assignment - writing for 15 to 30 minutes.  Hmmm...how to even start this post.  I'm trying to make some significant changes in my life.  You'll probably see those exact words in a post I wrote a year ago.  A sense of failure floods through me as I think back to my last post on this blog which was literally one year ago...just after the new year of 2012.  Here we are in 2013 and I'm professing the same things.  I want change. I want fitness. I want happiness.  I want peace.  NOne of those things will come to me until I acknowledge that I'm worthy of them.  I can say it..."I am worthy of living a life of happiness, a life of fitness and peace."  But to believe it in my heart enough to claim those things for myself...well, that's proven to be more of a challenge than I ever thought it would be.

Over the course of my previous weightloss efforts, I was really focused on the numbers.  That's an important thing in an attempt to lose weight.  Losing weight really is a matter of doing some simple math.  Expend more than you intake.  Simple right?  Well, I suppose it could be if you're not one of millions of men and women who have food related behaviors that revolve around emotional stimulation.  To say "I'm an emotional eater" could easily be misinterpreted.  Yes, I eat when I'm experiencing various emotions.  Sadness and anxiety are two emotions I've recently become aware of as significant triggers for me.  I do so much distracting with food.  If I eat something, I don't have to think about "this or that".  What are the "this and that?"  I'm not sure.

SO, here is where I say that every pound I lost in my "Starting My 45th Year" blog has returned and they brought LOTS of friends with them.  I've been working with a counselor that is helping me on the emotional part of it and I've been learning new skills to put to use.  Clearly until I address this aspect of my relationship with food, the weight won't stay off.  SO....here's to learning skills and putting them into practice!  Lots of baby steps ahead of me.  I know in my logical mind that I am worthy...it's convincing my emotional mind that I am.  And in case you didn't notice, I've changed my blog name.  Clearly it wasn't a matter of a year of hard work to lose weight and be done.  This really is about a journey of finding my "life worth living" therefore the new blog title is "Living Live...Conquering Challenges."