Frustration
Anger
Irritation
Fear
Anxiety
Disappointment
Shame
Embarrassment

WOW....that's a lot of emotion that I judge as bad.  Negative.

I've officially been in my current position for 19 years.  Nineteen years of serving a community that is important to me...yet the bureaucracy brings me to a place in my heart that makes me want to abandon ship.  I hate admitting that.  I hate that my frustration with red tape and distrust of a handful of people actually has me considering leaving a job I used to love.  "USED TO"...I hate that I feel that way.  There are so many people without work, many of them who WANT to work and I'm fortunate to have two jobs.  But at what cost?  And for the first time in the 19 years I've been there, we are at great risk of losing our funding.  A community of people are at potential risk of losing services that ensure functionally equivalent communication and access.  Only time will tell with this new legislative session will bring for us, that combined with lots of internal change could mean completely new leaders within our organization.  Maybe change will do us good but the fear of the unknown is great. 

These emotions have gone unchecked for an awful long time.  Today I sit here and think about them.  What they mean and how they affect me.  What does each of these emotions move me to do?  When I ignore them, I find myself turning to food, television, cell phone, social media.  Those would be those distractions I spoke of previously.  Tonight, as I sit here with these emotions, I have none of those distractions.  It's just me and my computer.  No external noise to pull me from my thoughts and emotions.  What are they moving me to do? 

Stand up for myself and for what I believe in.
Be true to my values and not let others influence me in another direction.
Speak up when my boundaries aren't being respected.