Jumbled Mess

I feel like an absolute jumbled mess right now.  I have tears rolling down my face.  It all started when I found out that the mother of someone I care about is about to be taken off life support.  I don't know her. I've never met her.  And yet my heart hurts.  I think its because I hurt for her children and extended family that will mourn her passing.  I lost my father in June 2008, then 9 months later my "Dad" died, only to be followed by the death of my Mother 6 weeks later.  In the span of 10.5 months, I lost all three of my parents.  I don't know that I took much time to mourn their passing...it all happened so quickly and being there as mom took her last breath was absolutely surreal.  Her pain stopped and mine began.

The day after she died, I was scheduled to interpret in the video relay call center of Albuquerque.  I was in Albuquerque to be with my mom while she was sick, staying with my brother and sister in law.  What was there to do with my mom having passed?  I couldn't fathom the idea of sitting in the house without the need to go to the hospital....I might as well work right?  It was a short shift....maybe three hours?  I could do it.  A few calls to order pizza, schedule a doctors appointment, check a bank account balance, call a family member...that's the norm.  And that's how the shift started out...the norm.  That is until THAT call came in.  That call between a Deaf daughter and her hearing father...the one where they talk about how little time mom has before she loses her battle with cancer.  The conversation where they express to each other how grateful they are for the hospice workers who treat their loved one with such respect and dignity...and that's when it happened and I was unaware.  I was tearing up as I interpeted the call.  I didn't even realize it until the Deaf daughter signed "Oh Daddy....the interpreter is tearing up" and I heard my voice speak her words.  Only then did I realize it was me she was talking about...or that I had actually started tearing up.  I was so far into the "interpreter mode" that i hadn't paid attention to my heart.  I feel like I've been doing that a lot lately....not paying attention to my heart. 

Might be time to start....