Those who know me might find it hard to believe that I often struggle to find my voice. I'm not exactly a shy person so I find it easy to meet new people and usually get along fairly well in a crowd. It's not necessarily where I want to find myself, but I can get by. What people may not know (or maybe they do and I'm the one who is oblivious) is that when I'm making plans to spend time with someone, I more often than not will try to find out what THEY want to do, where THEY want to go, what THEY want to eat.
I've found myself in relationships with people who would have a similar approach and then it would turn into ..."oh, it doesn't matter...whatever you'd like to do is fine...back and forth, back and forth." On more than one occasion, I've found myself resenting the other person because they chose something I didn't want to do. Hmmm...whose fault is that? MINE! Had I articulated what my preference would be, perhaps thats what we would have done!
Old habits die hard. SERIOUSLY! So, today I'm going to visit a friend that I haven't seen in quite some time. It was before the holidays actually and I'm looking forward to our visit. The plan at this time is that I'll head north to his house because he's been gone for a month caring for his mom who became very ill. Having had that experience, I know how nice it feels to actually be HOME which is why we planned my visit there.
Now, Ed has been working really hard to lose weight and he's done an AWESOME job of it! (Which brings me fear...but that's another post for another day.) I know he's been drinking lots of water, controlling his portions and walking quite a bit. SO, here's my thing. I know he just got home but I kinda have some things I want to do today that are up in the Tacoma area. I feel SELFISH (a word that makes me nauseous...I don't want to be selfish) asking if he'd feel up to going to the Home and Garden Show at the Tacoma Dome. I figured it might be fun to look around and be a good opportunity to walk. There are some books at Half Price Books I need to pick up, and let's not forget there's a really great quilt shop up that way that has the backing fabric I need/want for the quilt I'm making for the beautiful baby Addisyn that will join this world soon. Do I mention it? Ask him if he's up to going out? Should I offer to bring something to cook? Offer to take him out to eat? Why do I let this kind of stuff stress me out? I enjoy Ed's company...he's kind and seems to be able to speak his mind. My logical mind says...bring it up! Ask! Suggest! He's going to give an honest answer and not do the infamous dance of "whatever YOU'D like." Why do I do this to myself? UGH
FIND MY VOICE!
ok...update! I just sent a text message to Ed. Suggested the Home and Garden Show. He said, might work because he had some "things" he needed to get done and he was hoping to "drag me along". SO, now I know we're going to be out and about so I'll get to make the stops I'd like to do too! I love that he's willing to speak his mind. I'm proud that I put it out there....now to let go of the fear associated with asking for what I want.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Eliminating Distractions
"Distractions" ....a partial definition from Dictionary.com reads:
4. That which distracts, divides the attention, or prevents concentration.
5. That which amuses, entertains, or diverts; amusement; entertainment.
What are my distractions?
- Television - I have a DVR and I know how to use it!
- Internet - who doesn't Facebook, Email, Skype, IM and Pinterest?
- Cell Phone - games loaded, apps on deck, texting fool.
- Trashy magazines? I read them...hey don't judge!
- TO DO lists...yes, I'm a list maker! Face a challenge right off the bat? Naaah, let me make a list of things I really need/want to get done first!
- Food Food Food Food Food Food Food Food Food
So during a session with my therapist, I revealed to her that I do a LOT of multi-tasking. Not just a little here and there...I mean a LOT of multi-tasking. For example, a typical evening for me might be to come home and fix something for dinner, take it to my room where I have my TV on and my DVR at the ready with my menu of shows I "need" to catch up on. I'll start one of the shows while my computer starts up. There I'll open multiple tabs...Facebook, Yahoo Email, Messenger, Pinterest, and Online Banking. As I sit there eating dinner and MINDLESSLY watching TV, I'll alternate between food, a tab on my computer and the show I've selected to START the evening. If something is of particular interest on my email, or a facebook post/video, I may pause my tv show long enough to focus on whatever actually got my attention then back to resuming the show that I've DVRd. Before I know it, my dinner is gone and I'm over full, uncomfortable and filled with shame because then I physically don't feel well and barely remember what I ate. Not to mention several hours have passed.
What is my reason for all the distracting? There are emotions I'm diverting my attention from. What those emotions are, I don't know yet but I'm going to work on figuring that out. HOW you say? By slowly but surely eliminating distractions. First to go? YUP! You guessed it! My Direct TV is going away. I've "suspended service" for six months at which time I'll make my ultimate decision as to whether I think TV is important enough to have. And if so, what kind of mindfulness will I use to prevent it from becoming or continuing to be a distraction. (i.e. - no more TV in my bedroom, livingroom only!) SO, effective February 3rd (HEY...I'm paid up til then!) I will no longer have cable TV. I know I know....I can still stream shows on Netflix and Hulu. It's likely I'll do that but not right off the bat and not to the degree I do now. I gotta start paying closer attention to what my body is trying to tell me and stop ignoring emotions. Imagine how much living I could do away from the television!
It's been said to me a couple of times and for some reason, it rang particularly true for me today..."Emotions motivate us to act." It's that fight or flight mechanism we have...if you're experiencing fear, it may be that you are in danger and you need to act in a way that will protect you from that danger. All emotions motivate some type of action wether it be a physical movement or an internal awareness/decision, there is action. NOW...what are my pushed (shoved, buried, covered, disguised, ditched, avoided, diverted, hidden) emotions trying to tell me? Here's to hoping to have an open ear to them and respect the purpose of the emotion.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Logical Mind vs Emotional Mind
Homework Assignment - writing for 15 to 30 minutes. Hmmm...how to even start this post. I'm trying to make some significant changes in my life. You'll probably see those exact words in a post I wrote a year ago. A sense of failure floods through me as I think back to my last post on this blog which was literally one year ago...just after the new year of 2012. Here we are in 2013 and I'm professing the same things. I want change. I want fitness. I want happiness. I want peace. NOne of those things will come to me until I acknowledge that I'm worthy of them. I can say it..."I am worthy of living a life of happiness, a life of fitness and peace." But to believe it in my heart enough to claim those things for myself...well, that's proven to be more of a challenge than I ever thought it would be.
Over the course of my previous weightloss efforts, I was really focused on the numbers. That's an important thing in an attempt to lose weight. Losing weight really is a matter of doing some simple math. Expend more than you intake. Simple right? Well, I suppose it could be if you're not one of millions of men and women who have food related behaviors that revolve around emotional stimulation. To say "I'm an emotional eater" could easily be misinterpreted. Yes, I eat when I'm experiencing various emotions. Sadness and anxiety are two emotions I've recently become aware of as significant triggers for me. I do so much distracting with food. If I eat something, I don't have to think about "this or that". What are the "this and that?" I'm not sure.
SO, here is where I say that every pound I lost in my "Starting My 45th Year" blog has returned and they brought LOTS of friends with them. I've been working with a counselor that is helping me on the emotional part of it and I've been learning new skills to put to use. Clearly until I address this aspect of my relationship with food, the weight won't stay off. SO....here's to learning skills and putting them into practice! Lots of baby steps ahead of me. I know in my logical mind that I am worthy...it's convincing my emotional mind that I am. And in case you didn't notice, I've changed my blog name. Clearly it wasn't a matter of a year of hard work to lose weight and be done. This really is about a journey of finding my "life worth living" therefore the new blog title is "Living Live...Conquering Challenges."
Over the course of my previous weightloss efforts, I was really focused on the numbers. That's an important thing in an attempt to lose weight. Losing weight really is a matter of doing some simple math. Expend more than you intake. Simple right? Well, I suppose it could be if you're not one of millions of men and women who have food related behaviors that revolve around emotional stimulation. To say "I'm an emotional eater" could easily be misinterpreted. Yes, I eat when I'm experiencing various emotions. Sadness and anxiety are two emotions I've recently become aware of as significant triggers for me. I do so much distracting with food. If I eat something, I don't have to think about "this or that". What are the "this and that?" I'm not sure.
SO, here is where I say that every pound I lost in my "Starting My 45th Year" blog has returned and they brought LOTS of friends with them. I've been working with a counselor that is helping me on the emotional part of it and I've been learning new skills to put to use. Clearly until I address this aspect of my relationship with food, the weight won't stay off. SO....here's to learning skills and putting them into practice! Lots of baby steps ahead of me. I know in my logical mind that I am worthy...it's convincing my emotional mind that I am. And in case you didn't notice, I've changed my blog name. Clearly it wasn't a matter of a year of hard work to lose weight and be done. This really is about a journey of finding my "life worth living" therefore the new blog title is "Living Live...Conquering Challenges."
Monday, January 2, 2012
The Great Disappearing Act! Well, not exactly.....
One last time...this is my FOURTH attempt at posting an entry on my blog. Some magical key keeps getting pressed and the ENTIRE FRIGGIN thing disappears. PISSES ME OFF! Ok. after having typed several paragraphs from the heart and feeling pretty damn good about it, now I'm just irritated and not sure what is going to fly from my fingertips. Who knows, maybe this one will disappear too!
OK, so the great disappearing act. NOT DISAPPEARING POUNDS. Sadly I've gained a significant amount of weight back. The disappearing act was me...from a few aspects of my life. I'm here and I've actually sat down many times over the last several months with every intention of writing something...hoping for the inspiration to move forward, some glimpse of the energy and excitement I had back when I was full steam ahead on my weight loss adventure and working on ME. It's so much easier to try and fix other people. Looking away from me and towards others...how can I make them happier, how can I make them smile, how can i FIX them. Hmmm, fix them? FIX MYSELF damnit!
Each time I sat down to write something I found that I was really struggling with lots of different emotions. Frustration, anger, embarrassment, irritation, sadness and I'd find my mind wandering. I would become easily distracted by what could take me away from having to think about what kinds of changes are necessary to move forward with living a healthy life. As a matter of fact, I'm distracted now. There's a package of dark chocolate covered orange sticks CALLING to me. I refuse to listen. I'm not allowed out of this chair until I hit "publish post".
When I say I've been absent or disappeared from my own life, I mean that I've really not taken into consideration what my goals and objectives are and have been. When I'm compuslively overeating....I'm compulsively over shopping. I haven't sat down with my budget in months. I mean really sit down with it and see where I'm at and I definitely have NOT stayed on track. Until today. I was so close to a goal that would have been realized in March or April had I stuck to my plans. Compulsion and disregard for me and my goals took over. Now that goal is likely a year away. I won't let that scare me off though, I know I can accomplish the goals I have for myself. Financial freedom and healthy living. I've never been to a 12 step program and likely never will but I know that it really is one day at a time.
I'm here, I'm alive, I'm hopeful, I'm determined, I'm scared, I'm me.
OK, so the great disappearing act. NOT DISAPPEARING POUNDS. Sadly I've gained a significant amount of weight back. The disappearing act was me...from a few aspects of my life. I'm here and I've actually sat down many times over the last several months with every intention of writing something...hoping for the inspiration to move forward, some glimpse of the energy and excitement I had back when I was full steam ahead on my weight loss adventure and working on ME. It's so much easier to try and fix other people. Looking away from me and towards others...how can I make them happier, how can I make them smile, how can i FIX them. Hmmm, fix them? FIX MYSELF damnit!
Each time I sat down to write something I found that I was really struggling with lots of different emotions. Frustration, anger, embarrassment, irritation, sadness and I'd find my mind wandering. I would become easily distracted by what could take me away from having to think about what kinds of changes are necessary to move forward with living a healthy life. As a matter of fact, I'm distracted now. There's a package of dark chocolate covered orange sticks CALLING to me. I refuse to listen. I'm not allowed out of this chair until I hit "publish post".
When I say I've been absent or disappeared from my own life, I mean that I've really not taken into consideration what my goals and objectives are and have been. When I'm compuslively overeating....I'm compulsively over shopping. I haven't sat down with my budget in months. I mean really sit down with it and see where I'm at and I definitely have NOT stayed on track. Until today. I was so close to a goal that would have been realized in March or April had I stuck to my plans. Compulsion and disregard for me and my goals took over. Now that goal is likely a year away. I won't let that scare me off though, I know I can accomplish the goals I have for myself. Financial freedom and healthy living. I've never been to a 12 step program and likely never will but I know that it really is one day at a time.
I'm here, I'm alive, I'm hopeful, I'm determined, I'm scared, I'm me.
Monday, May 30, 2011
They're Back!
Five weeks have passed since my last post and I'm sad and embarrassed to admit that 9 pounds have found their way back to my body. I started a post a few weeks ago that addressed my old friends "panic" and "anxiety". They were back in full force and that was manifested in food binges and hiding. The shame of the weight gain and lack of self control even stopped me from blogging about my very first 1/2 Marathon which I successfully completed. More on that in a little bit.
Aside from the bingeing and absolute lack of self control, I've found myself to be in a sad place. I haven't shared that with anyone really so I'm fearful that those close to me will feel slighted that I didn't confide. The crappy part about being in the place I've been is that the last thing I want to do is talk about it. I can put on a good front (for the most part) and people won't have a clue that I'm hurting inside. But I know...I know that I'm hurting inside and rather than deal with the why it's so much easier to shove it further down by eating a ton of crap. That's where I've been. I've been in a dark place of shoveling food to smother whatever this is that's making me feel unworthy of healthy living.
I've never struggled with drugs and alcohol so I can't speak to that type of addiction but what I can tell you is that a food addiction is a terrible thing. The amount of negotiating you can do and bargains you can make in your mind as to why one more piece, bite, lick, bowl, taste, serving....won't kill you. It is killing me.
I'm tired of telling myself "tomorrow is a new day", "start fresh in the morning", "you're not going to gain the 53 pounds pack overnight"...well guess what?!?!? When you have blinders on for weeks at a time, 5 weeks can feel like "overnight" and there they are...9 pounds you worked so hard to get rid of are BACK. How many more "overnights" will I have to be in denial through for the rest of it to come back? I don't want that to happen. I don't want to realize every five or six weeks that I've been in a food induced stupor only to wake and see the weight all back, the sore feet, the aching knees, the painful back, the constant headaches (which I've concluded are food/allergen related), the wheezing because I can't get enough air. This has to stop. It's truly hard to sit here and write this. Chances are very few people will read it and that's ok too....just know that those of you who have taken the time to support me on this journey really do mean a lot to me. I'm so grateful for you and your time and I don't want to disappoint you. I know I can beat this I just don't know how or when.
Last week I decided NOT to have a long term goal. I've set several and failed each one of them. I wrote the following on my bathroom mirror.
If you can't see it in the photo, it says "One Moment at a time, One Choice at a time, YOU ARE WORTH THE EFFORT". I am worth the effort. And I've learned that for me, in this place right now, it really is about every individual decision I make...in this moment, right now. I have to ask myself how with this food decision help me accomplish the objective of a healthy life?
This blog is about being honest and true to myself and to those of you supporting me. SO, that's what I'm doing by saying I'm sad, frustrated, irritated, angry, deflated, disappointed, embarrassed, AND DETERMINED. Determined not to let go of my dream to live a healthier life. This morning I got back to my Monday morning weigh in routine...here's what today brings. Sadly, it is a 9 pound gain from my last post. I have to say, I've noticed the difference in my face which is typically the first place I gain weight...there they are again, the extra chin/s.
For now I'm going to step away and enjoy my beautiful front porch. I hope to be inspired to come in and blog about my amazing experience in completing my first 1/2 marathon. Please leave a comment if you visit. Would love to hear from those of you who take the time to read my blog.
Aside from the bingeing and absolute lack of self control, I've found myself to be in a sad place. I haven't shared that with anyone really so I'm fearful that those close to me will feel slighted that I didn't confide. The crappy part about being in the place I've been is that the last thing I want to do is talk about it. I can put on a good front (for the most part) and people won't have a clue that I'm hurting inside. But I know...I know that I'm hurting inside and rather than deal with the why it's so much easier to shove it further down by eating a ton of crap. That's where I've been. I've been in a dark place of shoveling food to smother whatever this is that's making me feel unworthy of healthy living.
I've never struggled with drugs and alcohol so I can't speak to that type of addiction but what I can tell you is that a food addiction is a terrible thing. The amount of negotiating you can do and bargains you can make in your mind as to why one more piece, bite, lick, bowl, taste, serving....won't kill you. It is killing me.
I'm tired of telling myself "tomorrow is a new day", "start fresh in the morning", "you're not going to gain the 53 pounds pack overnight"...well guess what?!?!? When you have blinders on for weeks at a time, 5 weeks can feel like "overnight" and there they are...9 pounds you worked so hard to get rid of are BACK. How many more "overnights" will I have to be in denial through for the rest of it to come back? I don't want that to happen. I don't want to realize every five or six weeks that I've been in a food induced stupor only to wake and see the weight all back, the sore feet, the aching knees, the painful back, the constant headaches (which I've concluded are food/allergen related), the wheezing because I can't get enough air. This has to stop. It's truly hard to sit here and write this. Chances are very few people will read it and that's ok too....just know that those of you who have taken the time to support me on this journey really do mean a lot to me. I'm so grateful for you and your time and I don't want to disappoint you. I know I can beat this I just don't know how or when.
Last week I decided NOT to have a long term goal. I've set several and failed each one of them. I wrote the following on my bathroom mirror.
If you can't see it in the photo, it says "One Moment at a time, One Choice at a time, YOU ARE WORTH THE EFFORT". I am worth the effort. And I've learned that for me, in this place right now, it really is about every individual decision I make...in this moment, right now. I have to ask myself how with this food decision help me accomplish the objective of a healthy life?
This blog is about being honest and true to myself and to those of you supporting me. SO, that's what I'm doing by saying I'm sad, frustrated, irritated, angry, deflated, disappointed, embarrassed, AND DETERMINED. Determined not to let go of my dream to live a healthier life. This morning I got back to my Monday morning weigh in routine...here's what today brings. Sadly, it is a 9 pound gain from my last post. I have to say, I've noticed the difference in my face which is typically the first place I gain weight...there they are again, the extra chin/s.
For now I'm going to step away and enjoy my beautiful front porch. I hope to be inspired to come in and blog about my amazing experience in completing my first 1/2 marathon. Please leave a comment if you visit. Would love to hear from those of you who take the time to read my blog.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Headed in the Right Direction!
Well, it's late and I don't have a much to blog about but my goal is to be more timely with my weekly weigh ins. It's been a good week and the weigh in shows progress in the right direction. Down a little more so that makes me happy. I'm at the lowest I've been in over 10 years.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Back to Real Life it's Week 34!
Well, I've been home from Arizona for about a week now and starting to settle in/accept the emotions that came with the trip. As I previously blogged, a very precious friend (love you Karen!) has moved from the soggy/soppy Pacific Northwest to Mesa Arizona where she can be toasty warm and hopefully pain free!
While preparing to drive miss Karen (it was a great roadtrip by the way...aside from crazy weather!) I found myself being less mindful of my actions both in terms of food intake as well as exercise. The thought of her being so far away was terrifying and heartbreaking. She's my safe place, my quiet zone, by precious friend. I went through the motions of getting her moved with a heavy heart but grateful to be the one lucky enough to help with the adventure. Karen has a great family of fur babies...she trusted me to help her get them to their new home and I feel honored by that.
Now that I'm home and back to real life, I've been doing a lot of thinking about my emotional eating. It's been a problem for many years. I'm an emotional person...I've been told that by several people that know and love me so taking that to heart is going to be a huge step in the right direction. There are times when I wish I WASN'T an emotional person...BUT I am!
My visit to AZ was filled with smiles and tears...it was great to spend time with
family (I got to see my brother Kevin from Tucson) and friends that I love dearly. Emotions are a good thing but "using them for good" is essential. SO, use your emotions to tell the people you love just how important they are to you.
I feel as though I've found some clarity through tears of sadness and joy
AND to get back to weekly weigh ins again...here's my most recent weight. I'm not terribly disappointed by the gain because as I mentioned, I'd been making some unhealthy choices HOWEVER, while in AZ I did take daily walks in the beautiful Arizona sun! I'll be back in July to soak up some more Vitamin D. Hopefully I'll have had a little of that here in WA by then too!
While preparing to drive miss Karen (it was a great roadtrip by the way...aside from crazy weather!) I found myself being less mindful of my actions both in terms of food intake as well as exercise. The thought of her being so far away was terrifying and heartbreaking. She's my safe place, my quiet zone, by precious friend. I went through the motions of getting her moved with a heavy heart but grateful to be the one lucky enough to help with the adventure. Karen has a great family of fur babies...she trusted me to help her get them to their new home and I feel honored by that.
Now that I'm home and back to real life, I've been doing a lot of thinking about my emotional eating. It's been a problem for many years. I'm an emotional person...I've been told that by several people that know and love me so taking that to heart is going to be a huge step in the right direction. There are times when I wish I WASN'T an emotional person...BUT I am!
My visit to AZ was filled with smiles and tears...it was great to spend time with
family (I got to see my brother Kevin from Tucson) and friends that I love dearly. Emotions are a good thing but "using them for good" is essential. SO, use your emotions to tell the people you love just how important they are to you. I feel as though I've found some clarity through tears of sadness and joy
AND to get back to weekly weigh ins again...here's my most recent weight. I'm not terribly disappointed by the gain because as I mentioned, I'd been making some unhealthy choices HOWEVER, while in AZ I did take daily walks in the beautiful Arizona sun! I'll be back in July to soak up some more Vitamin D. Hopefully I'll have had a little of that here in WA by then too!
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