I want to start off by saying that I had a great weekend for the most part. Aside from feeling like a cold was coming on, I had a couple of days with my daughter and granddaughter. We had a very productive weekend and we spent most of the time in my quilting studio (which just happens to be where Taylor's toy box is too!) Having had such a great weekend (and not too bad food choices), I'm still dreading tomorrow's weigh in.
I have to be honest with myself and you, my support team by saying that I did a lot of emotional eating this week. One day was particularly bad...to the point of feeling the very strong desire to purge. I've never been one to binge and purge, so this isn't a battle from the past that's rearing it's ugly head....it was a one time thing to date. The urge was so strong (which is strange because I HATE throwing up). I know that I have great resources available to me and I used them (new to me because "I can do it all by myself!" has been my motto for a long time)...anyway, I reached out and a good friend told me that I could go ahead and purge then feel crappy/guilty about both the bad food choice/binge AND the purging process OR I could choose to sit with it and move forward. I chose the latter.
You may recall that a while back I posted about my realization that past weightloss attempts seem to have been thwarted by people acknowledging or complimenting my progress. Because i've been so aware of it, I've been mindful not to let that get to me this time. What I hadn't realized is that *I* was also problem. Early in the week, (the day I wanted to purge) I was driving to work and when I buckled my seatbelt, I noticed something new. My LAP! I could see my lap! Granted, I still have tummy sitting on my lap but for the most part, I HAVE A LAP! I was grinning from ear to ear. I said to myself..."GOOD JOB! You're on your way to being able to cross your legs!" (insert sound effect . . . car screaching to a stop here). I didn't realize it at that time because I really was smiling and happy. But that day, the binging started. Eating everything in sight. I couldn't put my finger on WHY until later. AHHHH I had complimented myself! I hadn't prepared myself to fight off that kind of praise. Maybe because I don't know that it ever happens. Hmmm...something to think about. Anway, acknowledging it didn't seem to provide the same fix as it did with "others" complimenting me. I'm working on it...
I won't go into a list of all the crap I ate...just know that I was definitely doing some emotional eating. There are some issues coming up for me that I hadn't really allowed to the forefront of my mind. Right now, I miss my mom....I want to call her and tell her about the progress I'm making, the "failures" I've struggled with and just hear her tell me that I'm going to be ok, that I can get through this and keep moving forward.
The anxiety I'm feeling about getting on the scale tomorrow morning is giving me a headache and an upset stomach. STOP IT I say...yah, right. Maybe if I head back to my quilting studio, the voices in my head will shut the hell up. You think? Alright, well...tomorrow is a new day and more importantly, this moment is a NEW MOMENT.
Tomorrow starts my new workout schedule. I've decided to make a commitment to do a 5am workout M-Th and do some planned/scheduled physical activity on Saturdays and Sundays too. Friday will be my one "no-exercise" day because I work a VERY long day...8 am to 11 pm between my two jobs. My plan is to keep it fun because I don't want to suffer from burn out.
Alright folks...thanks for listening to me gripe and thanks for continuing to support me through this process. I'll definitely be posting my official weigh-in tomorrow evening...good or bad. It is what it is.
Glad you decided not to purge.. you are dealing with why you ate and learning from it! That is the best thing you can do! I over ate this weekend too and am dreading next weekend when I weigh in. Going to work my butt of this week to try and counter act it :) But I will learn from it too. Congratulations on your lap!!!!
ReplyDeleteWell, the good thing is that this isn't a process that's week to week. If that's all it is, it ain't worth it. If it's long-term, then you get to face these icky things one by one and show them who's boss. Even if you don't see numbers that you wanted tomorrow, I think you still won for this week. Good job.
ReplyDeleteNot all weigh in(s) are going to be positive for us. It was just as important for me to see possible gains as it was for me to see the possible losses.
ReplyDeleteIf there is a gain tomorrow so be it. You know why it happened. You figured out the trigger (AHA moment). Granted you figured it out after all the food choices but next time...
And there will be a next time.
Next time you'll be that much more conscious about it. So if you gain, you'll know why and that my friend is a powerful tool.
Can I also suggest that you keep Friday as a rest day (because of work load) but you also pick another day that is not so full of work so that you can really enjoy a rest day. Not working out on 15 hour work day is NOT a rest day...
Just sayin!
xoxo T
Thanks guys...I know I'm on the right track and blogging this "adventure" has been such an eye opener for me. The level of accountability is what keeps me going, not just accountability to you but to ME!
ReplyDeleteTara - you're right, a day of rest is definitely a necessity. I'll likely choose Saturdays as a day of rest. I typically work on Sundays which means I'm in town and can go to the gym after work if the weather is too crummy to do something fun outside. It's that time of year again! Thanks for sharing your experiences with me. I learn from all of you!